I hated Fridays. John had been 'out' and rudely ignored my calm requests for tea (requests so calm they had had Mrs Hudson sprinting to find out who was being murdered) for the past four hours - even I respond within two - and had finally decided to hear me.
With a girl draped over his arm. Like a bloody dressing gown. He had bundled the hideous creature straight to the nearest bedroom and slammed the door, and frankly I was disgusted. With my fingers pressed firmly into my ears, I grimaced at the subtle vibrations shaking the mug of air that sat empty before me. Sadly, John hadn't magicked me any tonight. Shame.
Vibrating!
I tentatively removed a digit from my ear canal, and the high pitched giggles emitting from said slammed door had me jamming it straight back in again, tapping my foot uncomfortably and glaring through the window. The next realization that struck me had me soaring from the sofa and my fingers assaulting my ears on their way to my pockets. The man was fornicating with a vagina in my bedroom. Panicking and on a serious mission to save me from sleeping on the sofa for the next decade (STI's are a serious and easily contracted issue that I do not wish to consult any 'qualified medical professional' about), I was at the door and raining blows on it in seconds.
"JOHN! STOP EXPOSING MY DUVET TO CONTAMINATION RISKS!" I shouted, unable to keep the amused grin from my face. I heard a snuffle like a drunken hedgehog (which, in all fairness, was an entirely intact description of my blogger at that moment in time) and then a bellow more chilling than that of a wound-up bull (far less accurate).
The door was suddenly no longer there. Astonishing. Far more astonishing was a very, very naked John Watson in its place.
"Ah! John! If you'd like to move it upstairs and-" I blinked twice. "A transvestite? How exceedingly unoriginal of you." My tone was a flat as ever, but I was suddenly gripped with an intense urge to smash the dress-clad man's nose in until his blood ran through his lipstick. I pointed to the stairs flatly, without my standard grand flourish. "Were any bodily fluids exchanged on this bed?" I asked, my head tipped to one side and my eyebrows raised innocently, lips parted in my standard manner of inquisition. The man shook his head jerkily, looking a little traumatized, and he ran past me, trying (and failing rather amusingly) to cover his entirely unappealing behind with a thong in an alarming shade. John seemed to have forgotten that he was naked and just glared at me, and then followed his 'lady'friend upstairs.
Consumed by a sudden explosion of righteous rage, I picked up my violin and, quite frankly abused the strings to the point I expected them to sob for mercy. No such luck, and after just seconds of abusive sawing the man hurtled through the front door and John stood (I suspect he was going for towering, although a distinct height difference ended that one abruptly) before me - dressed, thank god.
"What was that for?!" He roared, obviously exceedingly drunk. I laughed shortly.
"I was saving you from a nasty case of AIDS, John. You should be thanking me." I turned back to my violin, stroking the slightly frayed strings with fluttering fingers (they say only eyes and butterflies can do that. I beg to differ). He hurled a fist down onto the defenseless coffee table. "Ouch, apologize to your hand John!" I smirked. He didn't see the funny side, although he cradled it noticeably in his left hand.
"I think..." He slurred. I raised an eyebrow. "I think... You're... Jelluss" He muttered, his alcohol-numbed lips unable to form the phonetics appropriately. "Hoomannitee." He beamed, and collapsed onto the arm chair. Jealous? No. I just wanted that man away from John. That's hardly human.
If he dares blog about this tomorrow, I will kill him.
(A/N: I'm well aware that this is exceedingly short compared to the rest, but it has to be... Next chapter will be better, I promise!:D And to Jess: Thought you might like the italic/bold section... :3
Anyway, thankyas all for reading (if you are, let's not get ahead of ourselves here) and I hope you enjoy it - if you do, a vote/fan/comment would be amazing if you have time... (:)
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The Humanity Extraction
Fanfiction"John. When you said I was a machine... Did you really mean it?" Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective - the only one in the world, let me remind you - at your ser... Never mind. Your commander, and additionally the best amateur detective - I d...
