The unfortunate life of Riley part 1

Untitled Part 11

12-19-17

Okay. Nothing really happened today, but a lot went on yesterday. I didn't write this, but I want to now. Its odd that I find comfort in telling strangers on the internet my worries and whats stressing me out.

Okay, so my friend Cat came here (i'm still staying at the Youngbloods) for a quick visit. We watched The Voice and talked throughout the commercials. In the end when she had to go I decided to follow, because I needed to go home and get a change of clothes.

Whilst we were at my place I made the stupid decision of letting my mask slip. I asked her what does she usually do if she ever feels like self harming. She told me to get a rubberband and slap it to my writs, its pain, but it wont leave a mark. Then I told her that I feel like crying. Soon after her sister barges into my house and tells us to hurry.

After that whole ordeal we went to her house. Because I still felt like crying she allowed me to stay in her room. Its pathetic, but I will admit I cried. I cried, and cried, and cried. I told her how I felt, why I'm scared, and about my intrusive thoughts. It hurts. It really hurts.I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm going to be frank with you. I still feel scared, hurt, depressed, and suicidal. My life is worthless in the grand scheme of things. In the end I am nothing more than a speck in the sands of time. Its useless to continue living this way.

I try to make others happy, in hopes seeing others in their time of joy lift my spirits as well.

I try to ignore the negative things in hopes of not giving them the power to bother me.

I tried to face my problems and solve them to my own accord.

I try to ignore my developing emotions toward another in fear of actually falling on love. Maybe I already have. I don't know. Whenever I see him, its like my heart starts to race and I don't know how to function properly. Its almost as if I were a robot trying to process emotion for its first time. I know its cheesy, but all those cliché things they say about falling in love is mostly true. Well, in my case that is.

I don't know anymore.

I'm a mess.

Yesterday I decided it was best to ignore those feelings. What chance do I have? We're going to North Carolina in about a month, and he has all the girls wrapped around his finger. Haha, I'm not even that pretty, or funny. I can't talk without stuttering. I'm just an emo nerd who tries not to be so awkward. But alas, to no avail.

If I continue liking someone such as him, all I'm going to do is get hurt in the end.

Damn it...... I'm ready to cry again.

But please, don't waste your sympathy on me. Give it to someone else in need. I can take care of myself. 

Jusqu'à ce que nous nous reverrons, cher ami

-riley