Rose || 18.12.17

Author's Note: Why I decided to do this.

I think before I write this I should explain why. I am 14 this year (2017) and a few years back I was a victim of getting outcasted. As a 9 year old child back then, I could not understand why I was outcasted. At that point of time I was actually starting to go through puberty, so everything took a downfall for me. I started to realise that the world was not as perfect as I thought it would be. My grades dropped drastically and my parents eventually found out that I was outcasted, which was weird since I was kind of a social butterfly. I never got to know why I was outcasted, although I knew who did it. I was furious when I found out because she was one of my closest friends. We haven't talked since then.

When I realised I was starting to feel down I couldn't stop myself. I did not self harm, though, for I was afraid that my parents would find out. I had to close up my heart and put up walls to defend myself. Up till now, I don't trust people easily and I guess trauma aided it. At that period of time, I could not self harm, I didn't know who I could talk to, and my childhood Best Friend was often too cheerful for me to talk about serious things. I'm happy that he was there though. I guess his presence made things better.

Since I could not do anything to stop myself, I sunk in deeper and deeper and bottled everything up. I often cried in the school toilets during recess, and, disgusting as it seems, I spent my time in the toilet during recess more than the canteen. Why would I want to be in a place filled with people when I was all alone?

Things got worse when I started viewing things realistically. My viewpoints changed and I felt that anyone who came close to me just wanted to make use of me. Especially when I realised that my only Grandmother didn't treat me as well as she did to my other cousins.

My Grandmother was kind of biased to my male cousins in the first place, and it's not like 10 year old me knew about transgender and everything, so I used to complain and grumble about how I wish I was a boy. Not because of the painful periods I would receive (when I grew up and complain about it jokingly it was often because of this.), but because if I were a boy I might have received more attention from my Grandmother.

But then I realised it was not just me. My Mother was not the Apple of her eye as well. In fact, my entire family seemed to be an eyesore to her. She viewed my aunt's family and her sons as jems and jewels.

To top it off, my aunt (a different one and the youngest of my mother's siblings) would insult us. As a 10 year old child, most children would not understand but since I was already kind of down and I had gotten pretty realistic, I understood and I slowly lost all the feelings a Niece and granddaughter would have to her aunt and Grandmother.

Once again, my thoughts changed. Born and raised in a Chinese family, us children are often thought to show respect to your elders no matter what they did.

I didn't think my thoughts were wrong, despite them not following the Chinese way of thinking. It was just MY way of thinking:

Shouldn't we show respect to those who deserve it instead? It should not be because of age. Our parents gave us life, that's why we respect them. Those who deserved it will have reasons for you to, unknowingly, give your praise and just go like "Wow..." But if you do things that are disgustingly disturbing, what makes you think you deserve my respect? (I'm not referring to any readers I'm just saying "you" as a subject, I love my readers so much.)

So I didn't hold back with my words when we talked about our relatives. I mean come on, if you are a bitch, you're a bitch. You can be an aunt, but you're still a bitch.

Hell knows how many times I got chided for calling my aunt a bitch. (She deserved it. She's a different aunt, my paternal aunt, but she would insult my family and most importantly my oldest sister's size, just because her Daughter is skinny. I mean cmon, don't tell me as a younger Sister you expect me to not say anything.) :/

What made me got out of my depressing state was BTS. Got that right, BTS. When BTS came into my life I slowly got out of it. I've been an army since the INU era, and it took me 2 years since I stanned BTS to get myself together.

I was depressed for a total of 4 years, and I never sought medical attention, because that meant telling my parents, and I was not going to let my parents know that their 9 year old kid is depressed. So I masked everything and tried to stay strong on the inside, until BTS came and struck me.

My family always wondered why I love BTS so much, (according to my second Sister, Fire has no meaning but she isn't an army so she doesn't know how crazy all the MVs are linked) but the reason why I love BTS so much was because they brought life into my stagnant, boring one.

When Jonghyun died, it kind of just struck me in the chest. He was the reason why I was exposed to KPOP, with his melodic voice and, allow me to add, gorgeous looks. I realised that I wasn't just the only one that had to pull my shit together and put on a mask. And it pained me to realise that when I had BTS to keep me together, he didn't have something to grip onto. He didn't have a "BTS" to generate the joy and happiness in his mind that was clad with "I want to do better, I gotta make better music."

That was the main reason why I wanted to do this, because after getting out of my moody state I never realised how I would feel if I actually killed myself. But don't worry, I'm not doing it for real. I have too many goals in life now and most of all, I'm happy with what I'm doing.

-p4nd0raSb0x