Never Been In Love (Kakashi X Naruto)

Orange is the color of

Kakashi has never been in love.

Correction.

Kakashi had never been in love.

That's mostly the reason why it took him so long to realize that he was in fact in love. With the most impossible improbable and downright unexpected person of course. Kakashi wondered not for the first time what had he done that was so horrible that the universe just kept punishing him. Cause that's what it felt like. A cruel twisted joke at his expense and a reminder of what he could never have but for the first time in his life actually found himself wanting. Kakashi had never been in love.

Kakashi's life had been full of loss and regret from the beginning so love wasn't actually something he paid much attention to. He'd noticed of course Obito's huge crush on Rin and Rin's almost as bad infatuation with himself but hadn't really cared much of either. Until of course that fated mission that forever changed him and gave him his sharingan. He'd felt such regret over his actions and vowed himself to protect Rin for Obito; to see the future. There was no way he could have accepted or returned Rin's feelings for him knowing how much Obito had loved her. He hadn't thought of it any deeper then.

Years had passed and he kept on losing people. He lost Rin even though he'd promised to protect her. He lost his sensei and his wife and hadn't been able to do a damn thing. He'd gotten so much stronger since Obito with the help of the sharingan yet it hadn't changed a thing. He still couldn't save anyone. People who got close to him ended up dead. So he shut himself off and started avoiding everything and everyone. He was toxic; he wanted no-one near him ever again. It was his fault. Rin had died with his arm in her chest the Raikiri still crackling weakly with the most haunted expression on her face Kakashi had ever seen. Or maybe he was just projecting. Minato-sensei had died with Kushina because there had been no-one to help them and Kakashi had done nothing but believe in his sensei, he'd believed that he was invincible even though he knew, he knew, what happens to heroes. It was what happened to Obito after all.

And love was never on his mind.

So he began avoiding. He avoided everything but especially he avoided everyone he cared about even a little so he would never have to suffer loss again - so he wouldn't be the reason their names ended up on the cursed memorial stone. Everything he did was carefully thought out to keep himself at a distance, to stay just out of bounds watching the world but not belonging. He wanted the shadows. He wanted the muted colors and unmoving names carved into the stone. He wanted masks upon masks upon masks and solo missions after another in the ice cold rain so he could no longer see his own tear stained face could no longer hear the silence. He avoided life itself - wanted nothing of it's vivid colors and loud noices. He didn't deserve light.

For the longest time Gai was the only one who even bothered trying to get through to him. And even his enthusiastic challenges got rarer with more time between them and his smiles just a fraction dimmer. Love wasn't really on his mind.

Then the Third finally noticed that being in ANBU was only making it worse. He'd taken one look at his dead dead eyes and said sorry that it took this long. He hoped there was still time for Kakashi. And it was like the storm had finally passed, had calmed down enough, that it was just a drizzle and Kakashi didn't feel completely broken - just empty. Maybe some of Hokage-sama's hope had rubbed off on him.

But without ANBU he had one mask less. He was one mask closer to the world; to being real. Kakashi had to find new ways to hide in plain sight. That was when he happened to find the orange book called Icha Icha Paradise. And it was also perhaps the first time in his life he gave love more than a passing thought. He knew almost everyone of his generation had been in love or had at least had a crush on someone and many of them were already in serious relationships. Except Kakashi of course. Kakashi had never been in love. He'd never even had a crush on anyone. He'd never kissed anyone and definately never had sex with anyone even to sate his curiosity. And the strangest part of it perhaps was that he had no desire to do so. The thought of being that intimate with someone, of letting go of his masks, was almost nauseating. With that in mind reading Icha Icha was a strange experience to say the least. Kakashi was curious about all the emotions and wants the characters displayed but he himself had never felt. It didn't really even occur to him that reading what's considered to be a porn novel in public would be looked at with apprehension or even disgust. He was just mildly curious about it all but didn't actually get any perverse pleasure out of reading the book like most people seemed to assume.