Dear James (Jeamus) boyxboy

Chapter One

"Seamus, the test results just got back. I'm sorry to say this but you have cancer. It's a very progressive type that we don't understand much about, your chances of living are below the 10 percentile. We will try to fight this back with chemotherapy as best as we can, but you may be dead soon. We are very sorry." The doctor says, finishing his short speech. 

I don't say anything, how can I? I just found out that I'm probably going to die, and I'm not very optimistic about it. The doctor just said himself it is very unlikely I'm going to live.

I turn to James, completely unemotional like I'm in shock. James looks like he's about to cry, so I take over talking to the doctor.

"Okay... well. What do we have to do then?" I ask.

"Schedule an appointment for tomorrow or Thursday, we'll do a check up then shortly after we will start you on chemo. We have to work fast with this and be aggressive if we want to beat this."

I just nod. "Alright," I grab James' hand, leading him out along with me. 

After we schedule an appointment, we get to the car and sit down. I look to James to start the car, but instead I see him break down and start crying. 

I feel bad, this whole situation is shitty. I have cancer, and I'm probably going to die. James and I where supposed to be together forever and then this happens? It isn't meant to go this way. What happened to our happily ever after.

I put my arm on James' back. I don't know why I'm not breaking down, maybe because I'm in shock? I have no idea, but I at least should try to comfort my husband. "Shh, James. It's okay, babe."

"I don't want you to die." He whimpered, trying to stop his crying.

"The chemotherapy might work. Who knows. I think everything will be alright. Do you hear me James? Everything will be alright. Let's go home." James nodded, and started up the car. After he got the remaining tears off his face he started driving.

"I love you Seamus. You are right, we just got to hope everything will be alright." I nod to hwat he said.

Except, I can only think about how that is a fucking lie. I don't think I'll be alright. I'll do whatever I need to do, however, to comfort James but it isn't true. The chances of me living and everything be alright are to low.

It's just another lie to add to the list of all the lies I've told to get to where I am today with James. I've manipulated him so much, would he even be with me if it wasn't for all my lies? 

I push those thoughts away from my mind, I don't need to think about that. I've thought more times than I can count about my lies, and I've already tried saying it doesn't matter. James loves me. He would understand if I told him, but I won't. 

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I can't stop thinking about the lies. I hadn't thought about them in awhile, because I don't like to let it bother me but now that I'm dying it changes everything. Doesn't he deserve to know? 

I can't tell him out right. I'm too afraid at what he would do. Would he be mad, would he leave me? I can't afford him maybe leaving me, so I won't tell him.

I rub my head, when I think about it. I'll write it down. I'll write it down then make sure he gets it and reads it when I'm dead. It's the cowards way out, but maybe it'll help him move on if I die and he reads that our relationship was based on lies.

I go and find a notebook in the house and take it to the kitchen table and sit down. James is already asleep, he passed out as soon we got home, probably tired from the crying. He doesn't cry that often, he was really affected by the news. He'll wake up from his nap in about an hour or so, which gives me time to start writing this and then to find a hiding spot for it.

Dear James,

I'm dying. Or, well. By the time you are reading this I'm dead. I never thought our relationship would end that way. I don't know why, but I believed in that fairy tale bullshit. I wanted our happily ever after so badly. I loved you for so long you have no idea what I did to get our relationship to where it is.

Which is what this journal is for. I've lied to you James. I've lied to you so many fucking times, and it isn't fair. I'm not fair to you, I don't deserve you honestly. If I ever told you out loud I didn't deserve it you would laugh and assure me that I was your entire world and of course I deserved you. But I wasn't always your entire world.

You used to have a girlfriend. You used to talk to your mother a lot. You used to have good friends like Aleks, like Sly. 

I lied to get you to date me, I lied to keep you and sometimes I lied for practically no reason. I lied just to feel secure in our relationship which is bullshit. I only lied because I was jealous and immature. I guess I still am, because I still lie to you sometimes. And I love you so much, but you can't tell and it's so unfair on you.

And now I'm leaving you this stupid journal. I've just died and this probably isn't what you want to see, but it is what you get. My journal filled with lies. Our perfect relationship wasn't that perfect, you know. Our relationship should never have happened. We shouldn't even fucking be together but I lied.

I couldn't tell you when I was alive because I was afraid it would break up our marriage, and I can't take that. I love you too much to lose you for the remainder of my life. So I'm leaving you this journal. You can burn it after you read it, if you like. You might get mad at me. 

You'll probably hate me.

But, just promise me this one thing. Read all of it. Please, it's my dying wish. I want to not be a coward. I want to be able to tell you when I'm still alive, but I'm a coward. I'm sorry for that. If any part of our love was real, though. Just... read all of it. I love you. I'm sorry for what follows in this journal.

I look up. That is all I can write for today. I feel shitty even writing this and I haven't even started on telling the lies. When I die this is what I'm leaving for James? A book that would ruin our relationship. This will be my last words. I'm a shitty person for doing this.

I look around for a hiding place and soon find that inside a pot would do. It has a metal lid, so the only way you can see what is inside of it is if you lift the lid, and James and I never use this pot so it shouldn't be a problem, he won't find it here. 

When I put the journal up, I lean against the wall and that's when I start to feel it. I'm going to die.

I finally start to cry. I slide to the floor and lean against the corner of the fridge as support and by then I'm sobbing loudly, and it sounds like I'm in complete misery. I am. I don't want to die, I wanted to live a long happy life.

Maybe even adopt a kid with James, and now none of that is going to happen.

James comes out into the kitchen, looking sleepy and he's shirtless, only wearing his pajama pants. He seems confused. He always looks like that whenever something wakes him up. 

However, when he sees me crying, he quickly hurries over to me and puts me in his arms. I start crying into his chest anyway. 

"James, please, I don't want to die." I whimper, helplessly sobbing into his chest. 

"Shh, Seamus. It'll be alright. You'll be alright, I'm here for you." He kisses me ontop of my head, "We'll be fine. I promise you, you'll be alright."

Now James is the one lying. 

Because this chapter is the first one, it's kind of long, but not all of them will be like this. I tend to make shorter chapters usually but here you go. Vote if you enjoy, and follow me to see more things about Olympic ground swimming.