Mind linked

First steps

Waking up it took me a bit to realize where I am. I am in hospital again. 'My life is a circle of failure' I think to myself.

"Rayn, what is going on with you lately? It is the third time I see you here this year." Yeah, you heard right. For the third time in one year I tried to kill myself and failed. If I am even to stupid to kill myself, who allowed such a useless someone like me to live?

"It's just... life, you know?" My doctor knows about my life. I tell her everytime I get here. She tried to convince me to go and see a shrink but I don't want to. I don't want to waste someone else's time with my problems.

"Rayn, I don't know what to say anymore. You know killing yourself isn't a solution?" Of course I know. I just cannot stand the pain anymore.

I wake up in the morning, go to a school where nobody even knows I excist, to them I am just a creep who maybe is there or not. I always spend my time alone in some corner, trying to hide from everyone.

As soon as I am back home I don't even do my homework. Why should I? It's useless. This is the point with me. I know that something is wrong with me. I know I should change it but I can't. At least not on my own but I cannot trust anyone.

Since I can remember, nobody ever cared for me. My father abused me when I was younger, my mother just let him do it. I don't have any siblings. I never had someone I could call a friend. I always was alone.

"You really need a friend, Rayn. You need to find someone you can talk to or someday you might not fail." Maybe that is what I want? Would I try it more than one time if I wouldn't want it?

"Yeah, doc. I will find myself a friend." I definitly will not.

•••••

Coming back home, ok let's rather say the house I sleep in, the first thing I do, the only thing I always do, is to scroll through Twitter and Amino to get up-to-date with the current news of BTS.

They are the only reason while I fail everytime. It is not about my mother seeing me or something like this, it is always the little hope I have got left to meet then one day. When I think about commiting suicide again, the reason why I not take the final step is because I am like 'What would Yoongi do if he knew?'.

He would totally slap the hell out of me. Not that I would complain if he did. Ok, that is something for another story. Sorry. Don't mind my dirty mind. I am just... I love fanfictions. Maybe a bit too much. It is the only way for me to escape my nightmare called reality. I get to be someone else. Someone who is loved and accepted and get's the guy they want. I would kill to live such a life.

My favorite stories are the ones of
-desireemay-. I found out we share the same bias, so her stories contain just the love for Yoongi I need. I am addicted to her stories and whenever she updates I squeak.

Amino:
taekookie invited you to chat.

WAIT, what? taekookie was her name on Amino. She- she wants to chat with me? Who the hell wants to chat with ME?

taekookie:

Hey guys!

Just created a >>chatroom<<, if any of you want to join and rant be welcome to!

Wow. Just another chatroom with thousands of people. Like I love it. Not.

•••••

Some time passed and I start to enjoy chatting in this chatroom. Slowly I can see a friendship building up between me and her. Oh, how long have I waited for the moment? I worked on a few fan fictions I never published, because, who wants to read MY stories? She does. She read all of them and loved it. She pushed me to keep on writing.

Although there thousands of miles between us, she is able to comfort me like no one was ever able to.

•••••

Walking through the streets of my hometown, I met my doctor. "Hey, Rayn, I didn't see you for about 5 months now. I goes you decided to give life another chance?" she asks with a bright smile on her face. Sometimes I feel like she really cares about me, but hell, it is her job to care about people.

"Yeah, somehow. I found someone. I think I can call her a friend."

"So she guides you? Holds your hand while you are walking your first steps in your new life?"

"I didn't really start a new life yet. But I hope I will soon."

Yeah, I am really trying to. Funny how only one person can change everything. You mood, your view on life and your personality.

I hope soon enough we can get to know each other better.