Define Close [Nygmobblepot]

Ch14: Misery Loves Company

Edward's POV

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much Oswald hates me, all that anger and fury, he can't possibly hate me as much as I currently hate myself. I hate that I hurt him, I hate that I lost him and I truly hate how I've now locked myself in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself.

Truthfully, if I was Oswald, I don't know if I could ever forgive myself. I fucked up bigtime. Not only did I screw over Oswald, I also screwed over the others by turning on them and above all I screwed over myself. Out of what might've been the best thing in my life.

I'm not pathetic enough to keep glancing at my phone, hoping he'd call or stare at my door, waiting for the doorbell to ring. God knows I wouldn't make an effort to make contact if I was him. But I do admit I stumbled and ran to my phone when it rang so quick I almost tripped myself over.

Once I see the caller my hope turns into disappointment and anger. I pick up the call anyway because I haven't talked to anyone in days and I need to prove to myself I'm still alive. "What do you want?"

"I'm guessing your boyfriend didn't take the news well." Barbara says and her cheerfulness only makes me angrier.

"Fine, maybe I deserved that." I tell her. "But he would've deserved to hear it from me."

"He would've gotten hurt either way, Eddie, don't worry about it." She replies. "Especially when I doubt you would've even told him."

"I was going to." I insist.

She laughs. "Don't act like a good person, you could've easily lived with it."

I clench my teeth together. "Is there a reason you called me, other than to make me miserable which seems to be your new goal in life?"

"Actually, yes. I mean mostly just to make you miserable which, in fact, makes me very happy nowdays." She replies innocently. "But what I meant to ask you was this: now that you're not Penguin's boy toy anymore and it doesn't seem like he's gonna have you back, I was wondering if you were ready to bury the hatchet."

"You mean work for you?" I ask. "It doesn't matter how I'm gonna live the rest of my life but any other option seems more appealing to me."

"Oh, come on, get over yourself." She tells me. "You got nothing to lose anymore, you can leave town if you want to afterwards. Just help us out first."

I frown. "Why? What do you need?"

She sighs impatiently. "Well, last time I checked, Penguin is still running.. literally everything!"

"You're still so keen on taking him down?" I ask her. "Why? And what could I do?"

"He might not want to see you or trust you but don't think he wouldn't care." She says and I can hear the smile in her voice. "We could use you against him and voilá, he'd come running and on top of that you'd get to feed your ego with the knowledge that against all odds he still cares about you."

I close my eyes. "No." I shake my head before sighing. "I'm not gonna help you destroy him, I won't. It would never work anyway, you didn't see him, he said he could kill me himself. He's not gonna care. He doesn't. Just.. whatever you do, leave me out of it. I want no part in it."

"What? You think we can take on Penguin on our own?" She demands.

"I agree, you're no match for him." I say honestly, fully aware and pleased of the fact I know I'm pissing her off. "So.. maybe he should be in charge. Have a nice day." With that I hang up and throw my phone on the bed.

It looks like they're not giving up, I think as I start pacing around without really realizing it. For a while I entertain myself with the idea of calling Oswald to let him know but eventually come to the conclusion that he'd never pick up the phone if I called and what crushes me is that I know fully well I can't blame him.

I bite my lip as I look at the phone on the bed and another idea comes to my mind. If I call the landline he won't see who it is and maybe he'll listen to me. Maybe. I don't trust that he will and I definitely tell myself to not get my hopes up as I grab the phone and dial the correct number before making the call. I sigh, running my hand over my face. What the hell do you think you're doing? Leave him alone, he doesn't want anything to do with you.

"Yes?" Oswald's voice asks and I hold my breath, wishing he'd say something else, wishing I could hear him talking without the hurt anger in his voice. "Hello?"

I clear my throat quickly. "Oswald-"

"Are you serious, Nygma?" He demands and I'm a little taken aback by the use of my lastname. "Didn't I tell you to stay away or I'll-"

"I know." I say quickly. "This is not about us, I mean me, I- Barbara called me."

"Wonderful, maybe she'll take you back if you go crawling." He mocks me and I close my eyes, taking in a deep breath.

"She did try to get me back. They still want to take you down, they're not going anywhere." I tell him. "Trust me, she won't stop."

"I didn't think she would, she's not the type to quit easily." Oswald says calmly. "But thank you for pointing out the obvious, Mr Nygma, I'll make sure to keep an eye out as usual and trust me, way better than before."

"Look, she asked me to help them and I told her no." I say a bit more quietly, looking down as I try to figure out how am I ever going to make him listen. "Instead I called you. I do care about you."

"How chivalrous of you." He replies sarcastically. "Look, Ed, if you truly care about me.. leave me alone. Please. Don't call, don't come by. I want nothing to do with you and if you really feel all you say you feel.. you'll respect that." With that he hangs up and I stare at the phone for a while. My chest feels tight.

I do, I think. I do care and I even love him and that's why I know I'll do exactly as he asked even if it's killing me. I sigh, letting myself fall down on the bed. I brought this on myself and now I'm suffering the consequences and I need to live with it.

But how do you live with the knowledge you ruined the one good thing in your life? The one thing that not only occupied you for a while but actually made you feel at peace with yourself in a way that could last? But then again.. how was I supposed to know?