Verses of the Heart

Grief

He wraps his hands around me with a knife on the kitchen counter
And whispers in my ear:
"no one can ever hold you like this, just me"

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Before he did it
He told me he wanted to help me
I asked him "help me do what?"
He said "help me forget"
I sat there confused, I did not understand
But the closer he moved the more I smelled the beer on his breath
I knew he was going to, before he pounced on me
The only difference is the split second you think I should have used to leave
I didn't have
Stop asking me why I didn't say no
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"He never actually raped you, get over it"
But how do I get over the fact that he almost did?
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On Tuesday's I go to the Psychiatrist
On Tuesday's I wake up feeling empty
She always has a new exercise
Says it will make me feel better
She says I should smile more
I say what is the use if it isn't real?
She asks me questions like "did you ever hint at it?"
She's trying to turn the abused into the abuser
I tell her I cannot believe how she does that
How she thinks it was so right because I may have hinted at it?
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I've always loved cutting
Cutting skin and letting the blood run
Letting it pour out of me until I loose myself falling into oblivion and never waking up
But what do I do? Because on days when the sky is blue
Thats all I can think about
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I want to see my self bleed
I want to be cut deep physically
Because emotionally I'm bleeding
Emotionally I've bled out so much
So that I can't bleed anymore
I want to feel that physically
That's why I picked up the blade
And I cut deep
As deep as I could
But it didn't measure up to the pain I felt emotionally
It didn't even come close to the ache I felt in my chest
That's how damaged I am