Revealed

Update

Guys I'm really sorry for not updating last week, it's because I was really busy preparing and revising for my exams. And on top of that, I have three assignments due in at the start of next month and it counts towards my final grades for this year. Also, I had to pack and prepare to go back home for Christmas break so I was really busy with settling back at home and trying to write my assignments.

I was prepared to write the chapter I missed last week but I was really exhausted so I couldn't bring myself to write it. I was thinking of writing one later on this week and then stop for a while to get my work done and also prepare a surprise for all of yall as an apology present and for a Christmas one as well, so look out for an update later on next month.

And also, I wanted to say how distraught and emotional I've been for the past few days or 4 days to be exact. It's because I've lost someone who inspired me and made me happy for all of my time in kpop and that was Jonghyun of Shinee. When I first heard the news from my kpop friends on a chat saying that he passed away, I couldn't believe it at first and if I am, to be honest, I'm still in denial about all of this. I tortured myself by watching all of the videos about people going to coffin and mourn and also videos about him, and I could honestly say that this is the longest I've cried in a while and it's to the point that my eyes are so dried it hurts. In the first two days of his passing, I've only slept for about 5 hours as I couldn't find myself to believe that it's real. He was so happy, outgoing and strong that I just couldn't believe that he was depressed, and it just there to show that you don't really know someone that well even if you think you do and that everyone can be depressed even if they show they're strong. I found out that it's a type of depression that occurs when you feel pressure from many people to do well to meet their expectations and it eats you away inside till you're on the brink of wanting to kill yourself and this is exactly what Jonghyun did.

I must say it hurts when I saw Minho first being strong and welcoming people to the funeral place and it broke my heart seeing Key who flew all the way from Europe to say goodbye to his friend, member and brother. And later on, I saw a message describing how the member reacted from Minho crying till he fainted, Taemin crying on the floor, Key locking himself in his room to Onew wanting to be by his brother's side till the very end at the hospital. And at around 2 am this morning, I saw the video of the members all there after worrying whether they're alright since we only saw Minho and Key and seeing the soulless eyes to Key bursting into tears made be heartbroken even more. I knew they had to be strong as head mourners and being in front of hundreds of cameras, they had to be strong. They knew their brother Jonghyun would want to be strong for him to show that they're not hurting anymore and that they're going to be strong and won't be hurt anymore and would want him to rest in peace.

I've heard news about how many killed themselves to be with Jonghyun and I even thought of that at a certain point as I thought of myself as someone who failed as a shawol as he pointed hints at depression and being lonely and had no one to talk to but I failed and I'm sorry towards Jonghyun for not noticing. I never pointed it out here before but as I've come to realise that you need to talk to someone that I need to express how I feel as I know you guys would understand. My family would be like why do you cry just for someone you don't know but they don't realise that he was one of the reasons why I love kpop and that I'm happy with my life. Kpop not only entertain you but it brings you happiness in itself. Take BTS for example, they produce and write songs about many things that I relate to like Love yourself and it taught me to appreciate myself a bit more and finally be happy with myself. And Mamamoo also with Purple as they show us that even if we look different, we should appreciate on how we look and that body shaming is not to be listened to as I have in the past and basically starved myself and exhausted myself exercising to be thin or what they expect of me and that led me to have medical problems that are still unknown. I got picked on, shouted at and had someone be racists towards me for being half Thai or Asian in their case as they don't know how to differentiate us Asians apparently. And just a few months ago, I nearly killed myself due to family problems but Kpop helped me and Love myself was also released at the time I needed it. My family even wanted to take it away from me but I cried my eyes out saying that it's my source of happiness.

Anyways, all I'm saying is that we should find someone who loves and care for us and talk to them about our problems and should not hide it or keep to ourselves as it could eat us inside like it did to me and Jonghyun. And hey, I'm always here to listen so comment or private message me on here if you need someone to talk to as strangers are good to talk to as we don't know each other to judge and I've always been told that I'm a good listener.

Rest in peace our great vocalist and our beloved, beautiful and kind angel. You did well Jonghyun-ah. I love you and will remember you as someone who was strong and thoughtful of others. You were always so kind and everyone who met you loved you as well. Thank you for your songs, your voice, your smile and for paving a path for many generations to come.