Cheshire Cat [[EDITING]]

13

I pass on attending the show tonight, I know there is no way I could make it through the entire production without bursting into tears involuntarily. Not that my tears would be considered unusual, many fans cry due to the overwhelming presence those five men have, but I know in my heart I am not ready to see his face and not want to talk things out with him. He needs his space and I need to respect that, even if it meant I may never hear from him again. And there was no way I could expect the girls to pass on this opportunity to be front row and go back stage that would be selfish.

I manage to talk Johnny into driving down to Pasadena so we could go out to dinner. I am not entirely sure if I am going to mention the past few days to him just yet, I need time to process all the events myself so that I could give him a proper explanation, he deserves it. But I agree to pick the girls up from the show, that way they don't have to worry about traffic.

"Want to go eat at The Counter?" Johnny's cheerful voice breaks my day dream, and his suggestion sends my heart straight to the pit of my stomach. I felt as if he had found out about my infidelities merely at his suggestion, but I know I am being paranoid. I gulp to reduce my racing heart before I answer.

"Actually, we ate there the other day. How about we go to The Cheesecake Factory?" I offer an alternative, hoping he doesn't take notice to the tremble in my voice.

"I should've known; you're out of town with Lindsay. Of course you ate at a burger joint. Let me guess you've also stopped at Starbucks?" He lightly chuckles, and memories of running into Harry for the first time cloud my vision, I just may need a breathing tube if the conversation continues down this path.

"Yeah, you know her." I half laugh, trying to mask my guilt. I am sure I look as if I have just swallowed a fly while I do my best to settle my nerves.

How is it that even though I am sharing my company with someone else, Harry seems to be the only thing I can focus on? I thought maybe seeing Johnny would make this mess disappear. Maybe something would make sense, like a sign that everything that transpired between Harry and I was a glitch in the universe, but that didn't seem to be the case.

I realize as we approach the entrance of the restaurant that I have been stuck in my own mind, reliving all the precious moments between me and Harry, almost as if I were looking for some way to patch things up between us. Looking for another excuse to gaze into those piercing green eyes one more time. I know this isn't fair to Johnny in any remote definition of fair, so I need to try my best to focus on him tonight. This evening was about me and Johnny, no one else.

"How has your trip been so far? Did you enjoy the show?" Johnny's voice was pure, and gentle. He was the poster board of nice guy.

I look up to see his bright playful blue green eyes shining, even in such dimmed lighting. I could tell that he was excited to be here with me tonight, which only made me feel worse. I force a smile through the tightness in my chest and do my best to put myself in a positive mood. I have no idea in the slightest how I will be able to keep a meal down when I can hardly get my heart rate under control.

"It was so much fun actually. There was one point where Liam pointed to Lindsay and I kid you not she almost cried. It was beautiful." I laugh as I recall the concert. Giving away small tid bits of information to satisfy his inquiries.

"No way! I would have paid to see that." Johnny laughs and his smile in infectious, taking the edge off my nerves a bit. Finally I can feel my shoulders relax a bit as I sink into my seat and continue the light conversation.

I dance around the fact that I have spent a majority of my time with Harry. With the help of an alcoholic beverage I feel more at ease as we share more laughs just as we usually do. I manage to convince myself that maybe everything that happened between Harry and I was just in my imagination, because there was no way I could feel this at ease with Johnny after all the intimate moments I shared with Harry.