Journal of the Dragon

"Ex" Marks The Spot

I sat there, still. I felt my body shaking, the numbness, the pain so bad I felt it physically. It was the day that had happened repeatedly before. No matter how many times you did it, you just came back and pulled the chains harder. My stomach lurked for what felt like years. The anxiety, stress, sadness that you gave me. For what exactly? Surely I didn't expect to be sitting here in such condition because of you. But I kept holding on, or was I being held back?

The second you told me you no longer cared. That you didn't care. It all just hit me in the face, far fetched from a reality check. The moment I started second guessing myself. The moment I lost myself trying to help you feel better. Because of you, but somehow it was always me. For solemn years I sat, alone, because I was afraid. Of what? You. You made me afraid. You made me afraid of every. Little. Thing. The only friend I had was myself, in which I relied on. Thanks to you I'm afraid to be alone, but thanks to myself I'm not truly alone. If it wasn't, even for the slightest word, I hadn't reached out and finally broke the chains that you held me back with, I wouldn't be okay. I have so many people that deserve a good "thank you". They helped me through so much, through the dark times, and helped me see the light when there wasn't any. One of them told me "It will be okay." At first, of course, I didn't believe them. But I soon came to realize...if it wasn't for them saying that, no matter how lost I was, it marked an X on the map in which I had to find my own way to. It's truly amazing how far that little bit of hope can go. There are 2 x's in life. The one you had, and the one you're going for. Past. Future. Ex. X. Don't get them mixed up.

Sometimes holding on is hard. I held onto you for years. But holding on can sometimes mean letting go. I let go of myself to hold onto you. But you let go of me. Don't get that mixed up, okay? This is not my fault. You continuously made me believe it always was, that you were always innocent. Reality check, it was always your fault, but you took advantage of my kindness. You pushed me to the edge. But guess what? I survived! And if it wasn't for the lies you've told me, maybe I would've stuck around. Maybe if you meant something for once, I wouldn't be afraid to speak. Maybe one day you'll change. But I said the same thing for years. So now I use you as a sign, how how much to give, and how much to take. Because I honestly should thank you for showing me my breaking point, my weakness, my flaws, and stepping over me when I gave you everything. So why did I look back? To see you burn~

I don't hate anyone, really. But you, and your little games, are pushing my boundaries once more. My only hope is that you keep it away from me.