Franchise
‘He’s going to appear on a Big Mac at 13:00 hours GMT, 17:00 GST, 21:00 HKT and so on and so forth. Follow the chart.’
The meeting had been in full flow for the last hour and a half. Everyone was fidgeting. They were thinking about lunch. There had really been no need for this meeting. It was just to make the managers look like they were actually doing something and show they were still in charge. “If they were still in charge then we wouldn’t be doing this” said one wag to another at the urinals. They had all had to face the truth. Market dominance was beginning to dwindle. It had been easy for so many years but things had begun to change. Problems emerged; some felt the problem was people had either become too apathetic; though others felt that people had taken things to the extreme. This was not good for anyone. People had been questioning the small print for generations but there had always been the safety net of excommunication and eternal damnation to make sure they had always had a sizable market share.
‘We’re going to corner the market. Faith isn’t what it was. We need to offer some concrete proof. First we will try the guerrilla marketing tactic of the appearances on food. People love food. That’s where we will hit them. Right in the gut. We will hit all kinds of products. A Subway Melt; the aforementioned Big Mac; a glass of Coca Cola’-
‘How about a cloud shape?’ someone interjected.
‘Because no one looks at clouds anymore.’
Someone at the well-varnished mahogany table sniggered.
The speaker carried on: ‘Heaven isn’t what it used to be. Jesus isn’t what he used to be. Christianity isn’t what it used to be. Let’s face it – nothing has been a walk in the park for awhile. Dawkins, pseudo-raptures, child rape – all of these negative market forces have had a knock on effect. I had hoped that general xenophobia, anti-Semitism and Islamaphobia would have worked but they keep bouncing back. And those Buddhists don’t do anything to annoy anyone. I tried pumping terrorism into the media but only a few really took any real umbrage to that. We did well for a while but that ultimately failed.’
‘How about crusades?’ asked the girl with the chocolate coloured lipstick.
‘Passé. It’s as simple as that. Though we had managed to increase our market size the base fact is people wouldn’t do this anymore. When the new McJesus appears that’s when we will strangle this market into submission.
‘We’re going to hit them fast and hit them hard. We have had it concluded that all the main media conglomerates will begin running the story within ten minutes of the appearances. We had to strike a hard bargain with FOX…I mean, it’s not like us to hand out eternal life and virgins, though a young wife and being extremely old is enough to cut the mustard.’
‘Won’t some people be scared? I mean they could interpret this as the second coming.’
‘A good point. Technically this isn’t the second coming. Think about it, if everyone dies then there is no consumer and therefore if they die we don’t exist. We need the consumers; we just can’t let them see that. Also, seeing as these are all McJesuses, then it isn’t the 100% pure Jesus it will have less of an effect.
‘We have also expanded our demographic. The McJesuses will be appearing in front to a range of As to Es. We’re placing banner ads on Facebook and Youtube, quite a coup I know, and also continuing to update websites specifically designed to discussing these sightings as conspiracies. We have managed to handle the negative market forces in such away that we will still be promoted. Remember “it’s better to be talked about than not to be”.
