Love Bites

Just a Dream act.1

He's dead and you didn't even tell him.

I bolt upright in bed and instantly burst into tears. Through my stained mascara I see the rise and fall of his chest. He isnt dead although he's sleeping like the dead compared to me. Even for a schizophrenic this happened too often. Nightmares so real I wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth and ringing ears. And I could never remember a single one.

They aren't real. Thats the notion I keep comforting myself with. But this feeling of dread in my stomach and this taste in my mouth? Definitely real. It's the same feeling I get when he tells me he loves me. The same way he gives me butterflies but also a sense of knowing that if I give sound to my own love sick heart somehow it will all become real. That last wall of protection will fall and when it does those same butterflies will become maggots and the heartbreak will eat me from the inside out.

Again.

A sob racks my back and my stifled tears finally wake Ethan. He rubs the drowsiness from his eyes and now their filled with nothing but concern. "Whats wrong." He asks. My eyes avoid his and stray down the tattoo's running down his side. "Nothing, I'm fine." I lie and a pit of quick sand opens up in my stomach. Ethan reaching out, takes my chin in his hand. Forcing me to look into his eyes. "No your not." He said plainly and just like the that the knot in my chest is undone and I feel myself fall apart in his arms. He held me like that till the sun rose and shadows creeped from the cracks in the blinds to the bed gnarled and jagged like claws. But their was nothing they could do as long as Ethan was with me. He pulled me into him and brought his lips to my forehead. "I love you." He said, his hot breath warming my icy heart.

Those three simple words. I couldn't say them. A wave of Deja Vu washed over me and I felt that same feeling of dread. But I was so sick of feeling this way. Over such trivial things. I pulled away from him and tangled my body with his. "I- I... know" I said quickly. "Why don't you ever say it back?"

I bite my lip. "I don't know. I think..I think I'm afraid. " Ethan stands up scratching his head. "Afraid of what?" He asks before throwing on a shirt and grabbing his keys. "Where are you going?" I ask not wanting him to leave. "Iv'e gotta work, remember?" He says flatly though he instantly softens again at my expression. "I only work till 5 tonight. I'll bring back a movie and takeout. We'll talk when I get back." I roll out of the bed wearing only one of his long baggy shirts and a pair of boxers. "Okay." I say though it comes out as just a whisper. "I'll see you later. Stay beautiful." He says with a smile before pulling me in one more time and trailing a finger down the tattooed skulls on my thigh. He turns and walks towards the door, "I love you too" I say under my beath. I sprawl back into bed. "I couldn't say it." I mutter.  A moment passes and then another and then that same feeling of dread returns.

This time more distinct than ever. But why? Everything was okay. Not perfect but okay. He loves me and I probably just needed more time. So why did I feel like me and Ethan were about to crash? My heartbeat starts to pound against my ribs and I find myself gasping for breath. As if the farther he was away from me the less oxygen my lungs could take in. I leapt up and took off at a full sprint out the door. Ethan was just leaving the lot. The plate on his truck growing farther and farther. Still I ran and my feet screamed as they slapped the gravel. I could hear my heart struggling to keep up with all the adredaline. He began merging into traffic and time slowed. I wasn't running fast enough. I stop and look up and I think I could just make out Ethan's silouhette looking back at me in his rearveiw mirror.

Then a bus tore through his truck and the most important part of me died.