Five Times Patrick Unexpectedly Saw Boobs (A Fall Out Boy Saga)

Allie, I was so good back then...

“Hi, Patrick!” She jumped up and down, waving enthusiastically at him all the while grinning in a way that made his stomach do somersaults.

“Hey, Allie,” he said with a practiced nonchalance. He definitely did not practice his devil-may-care, Han Solo-esque face and voice when he thought no one was home. Absolutely not.

He could feel his sister, Megan, laughing silently nearby at what she called his pathetic cow eyes which were constantly plastered on his face whenever her friend happen to be within 7 foot radius. Allie lightly brushed past him up the stairs, bathing suit in hand, with the grace of a dancer; eliciting a sound from him that he’s pretty sure no person in the history of mankind has made before. Christ, he hoped Megan didn’t hear that.

“Come on, Casanova,” she snorted, giving him the “I’m so going to tell everyone” look. Dammit. He found himself being aggressively steered into the kitchen. “If you’re going to continue to drool, at least have the common courtesy to do it on the hardwood floor. Or do you need Jax to give you a lesson in basic etiquette?” At the sound of his name, the old bulldog came barreling into the room with the ferocity of a furry and very slobbery tornado. He skidded into a stop in front of Patrick and without preamble, began to rub his jowly, saliva coated face all over the leg of his jeans.

“Jax whyyy? Bad dog!” Patrick groaned as he attempted to dance away. His pant leg now glistened with Jax’s handiwork. He glared at the squished little face hoping to instill some sort of fear in the old dog’s heart, but Jax didn’t even look the least bit ashamed. If anything, Patrick swore that little bastard was laughing at him. Fine. Patrick vowed not to wrap him up in his fleece Batman sheets and spoon him next time there was a storm.

“What a smart boy, Jax! Good job!” Megan cooed as she petted his wrinkled head, all the while laughing it up along with him. Patrick sighed. He was sure everyone in this house was out to get him. He had a reputation he was trying to build up, and covered in essence of Jax wasn’t exactly the face he wanted to put out there. Especially not when Allie was hanging around today.

“I’m gonna go change,” he grumbled, shooting both of them a dirty look.

“Aw no, it suits you!” Jax woofed in agreement and gave him a very cheeky look which made Patrick vow to never sneak extra chicken pieces to him ever again. He fought the urge to stick his tongue out at the both of them, and trudged upstairs.

At least these weren’t his favorite pair of jeans. The ones that really made him look good were the dark wash ones which he hoped his mom remembered to put back in his closet after the laundry mix up. Seeing his dad walking into school to pick him up in too small skinny jeans was one of those things Patrick was sure he was going to have fever dreams about for the rest of his life. Shuddering a bit, he opened the door into his room.

The small, feminine squeak that greeted him snapped him out of his reverie and he was met with the pair of the most magnificent breasts he’d ever seen in his young life. Allie fumbled around for a bit and covered up as best she could. Patrick’s mind was a puddle of goop. The only words that his brain seemed to have retained were “no, my pants,” “boobs,” and “guhhh.” Which was quite impressive under the circumstances, in his opinion. The silence that stretched between them went on for it seemed an eternity. In a 15-year-old’s idyllic world, he would’ve closed the space between them and explored every inch of her with the finesse of a sex god. But unfortunately, Patrick’s life was not an ongoing porno, so all he did was just gape at her like a goldfish.

“I’m…uh…pants, and you, and saliva…uhh…” Jesus Christ. He briefly considered faking a seizure right then and there. Or going to the bathroom and drowning himself in the toilet.

“Patrick,” Allie said kindly but firmly, “Get out.”

“Oh! Right, I’m just gonna…o-okay, I-” The door gently closed in his face. Well. That was brilliant. His brained seemed to have started back up again and every mortifying detail came rushing back to him. He wished in that moment he could go back in time to when he was born, kidnap his infant self, freeze him, and launch him deep into outer space. There, maybe some advanced civilization could find his frozen baby self and fix everything with a technology he couldn’t even fathom.

He walked woodenly into his parent’s master bedroom and into their fancy private bathroom. Patrick sighed as he began taking his clothes off and flipping on the shower. Needless to say, he didn’t get out for a very long time.