Life Rants

Rant #2

A/N: Hey, so I know that not a lot of people read this rant book, but honestly it's just me going on about stuff that's happening in my life, so you don't have to read it! It's mostly just for me. Anyways, here goes another.

Okay, so I'm just going to say this now, but this may kind of be triggering.

So, I've been dealing with Depression for quite a while, and it's weird, because people don't even notice that I'm dealing with it. Whenever I tell someone, they always get this puzzled look on their faces, and then they say, "But you don't ever seem like you're depressed. You seem happy." The thing they don't know is, is that I've gotten really good at hiding it. So, If someone notices that I've gotten a bit quiet or I look sad, I always make sure to play up the façade a bit more. Just recently, actually, I fell into a bit of depression, and had some bad anxiety and panic attacks, the cause being school and social drama.

Oh god, the pain of trying to hide all of my pain and suffering was almost as painful as the depression itself. No one noticed that I had become distant, like an astronaut floating away in her mind. No one fucking noticed, or cared. I try and talk to my friends about what's going on, but they just say, "I don't know how to help you, sorry." And move on. But, whenever they have a problem, I'm always there to help them. It hurts, because I treat them the way I want to be treated, by giving support and care, and love, but I don't get any of that. All I want is for someone to genuinely care about me, my mental health, and how I'm doing. Is that too much to ask? I feel as though no one can love me, and that no guy will ever like me either. I'm just better off on my own, bugging no one.
I'm just tired of being used by people, and I just miss one of the closest friends I had.
I don't know if we will ever be the same, and it hurts. It's mainly my fault, because I push people away when I'm in this kinda episode. I don't want to blame this on my depression at all, it just is one of the main factors. I don't want them to witness me at my worst, it isn't fair to them.
So basically I just fucked up a perfectly good friend ship over myself.
Plus, the breakup thing is bull crap. He won't get off my mind, it's like he won't leave my thoughts for even a day. All I want to do is hate him, but I can't bring myself to. I just can't. I loved him, and I still do, and I know it sounds cheesy and fake but I'm not joking. He broke my heart and I knew it. I knew he would but I had a hope he wouldn't. I guess I was wrong.