Glimmer In The Dark

Chapter 4.

Aaliyah

"Falling in love with Jesus is the best thing I've ever, ever done!"

Hands are lifted up to God and bodies are swaying with the beat of the drums and the melody of the organ. The choir joins in with the pastor as he sings "Falling in Love With Jesus" by Kirk Whalum. My mother squeezes my hand as we sing our hearts out to the Gospel.

My mom has taken me to church since I was conceived. Even when I was younger, and the youth pastors filled my head with childhood games instead of the word of the Bible, I've always wanted to know more about my belief. I had enjoyed attending the House of God, especially when I my hopes were down or if my motivation was fading. The Church was my happy place. Here, love replaced all of the negative emotions that we once entered with, and fills our hearts with hope of a better place, without sin and hardship. Here, I could talk to God about the things I couldn't share with others.

Today, a conversation was needed.

The pastor's voice cuts through my thoughts as he invites everyone to greet each other. Upbeat music begins to play, and smiles stretch across familiar faces in the crowd. After many handshakes, hugs, and "Good morning"'s , we all have a seat. The sounds cuts into silence, and our pastor starts off his message.

"Today, we'll be talking about love."

Great. My face goes red, and only one name sticks in my head. My mom glances at me, but by the time I attempt to situate myself, it's too late.

"What lovely man are you thinking of, sweetie?"

My heart feels a wincing pain and my hands start tingling, causing sweat glands to form in my palms. If only she knew. "No one, Mom." I manage to squeeze out. At least I wasn't fully lying.

The preacher cuts back in, and I'm glad for the awkward silence to disappear as he babbles away.

"For all of you teenagers, this is an important thought. Is the person you want, the person you want to marry? Is that man or woman willing to make that lifelong commitment to be loyal and loving, until the day that God takes them? Or are they just a form of affection and lust? God will bring many people into your life, people who will betray you, lie to you, break you, and ruin your life." As he starts preaching, older women in the crowd begin to yell in agreement, raising the volume of the enclosed space. "Does God want you to be with the person you want?" It's quiet again, and for a few seconds, no words are spoken. Does He?

I take this as my opportunity to speak to God, tuning out the rest of the world and closing my eyes.

I've already had the talk about my sexuality about a year ago, when I started realizing that my growing interest in Jordan would not fade into dust. I was overwhelmed by the fact that this part of me could not change. I thought I was going to hell, like the Pastor had said many times before about all homosexuals. The many thoughts that ran through my head caused me to attempt forcing the homosexuality out of my life in ways that were not so pure. After a long time, I had given up and was instead enlightened with the truth:

Luckily, in God's eyes, the world is filled with so much sin that homosexuality shouldn't be singled out as an abomination.

Unfortunately, some ignorant, old, and hypocritical people cannot understand this logic; this logic that Christians are born to love and cherish one another. My hopes are high that my own mother will not be apart of the crowd, despite how traditionally Christian she is. Now, my head is bowed and my fingers are laced together, and I find myself beginning to pray for acceptance from the person I love the most. I sense a warm hand on my shoulder, slightly shifting my attention to my mother sitting beside me. "Everything will be okay, baby." She whispers, sending a feeling of assurance throughout my body as she slowly rubs my back.

Hopefully.

...

The car ride home was wordless, the sound of the radio keeping me sane. The words of my pastor were repeating in my head. If it came down to it, would I really want to marry Jordan or is this just an elementary crush? Is it an incident that even after body slamming her in the hallway last week, she still puts forth the effort to walk me to class? Was she pointing at me at that basketball game, or was it a just a desired dream? All I know now is that I want her, and that these signs should not be ignored. Coincidentally, the song "Same Love" by Macklemore starts tuning in the car, and my hand quickly flies out to change the station.

How the hell do homosexuals come out to their parents? 

My thoughts were starting to cave into my soul until I finally broke the silence.

"Mom, do you know Jordan Hill?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: hehe