Before the years of 10 consecutive ages , I wouldn't be able to say what my life was like without crying. After the age of 10 , I would still disappoint you with pity , hatred , and tears. I've made some bad choices in life some I wish I didn't regret and some I can't get but to regret , but I don't want to erase those memories. I'll give you one taste , view , or landscape into my life falling into peer pressure.
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It always felt hot as it would pour upon my legs. It always stung but it had stung each time as if it had never burn before. It made me shiver as my body always felt cold. I despised myself , my race , the way I look , sex appeal , I hated myself as a woman , i hated myself as a little girl , and I couldn't blame anyone else for the way I felt except me.
I hated me.
Growing up without the back bone of a father , the protector , the person I should've been able to run to when I needed comfort the most , and the father whom I almost lost my mother love because of a boy who wasn't ready to become a man.
I got bullied because of the way I was. The girl who always sat at the back with her head hanging low. The girl who wasn't slim with a flat chest or big butt. The girl who looked at the mirror and yelled at the skies for not making me worth while. The girl who was bullied for 4years straight and a month late to help my mother while she struggled with the bills.
The girl who was afraid of what the people she called "friends" would say when they found out she was Bisexual. Would they think I'm a freak? Would they torment me more they than way I bleed? Would they leave me to starve just to feel the bit of love?
"I'm not slim enough" I said as I would poke at the flesh hanging from my bones. "My lips are too small" I pout as I applied more makeup. "My face is not small enough" contouring away. "Why did you make me like this?!" I yelled at dismay. Written word in red painted on my mirror as I would sob silently to myself. "My hair isn't long enough" adding highlights and hair. I envied the girls who were the exact replica of Barbie.
I would dress as if I attended a funeral everyday. I wouldn't be lying if I said I did because every time I looked at myself and pictured society...I died little by little everyday.
I kept the fact I was hurting and smiled as my mom has enough to worry. She only found out I was starving , crying , trying , and dying at the very end of the 4 years and months.
She was angry but because I kept it away as she made sure from that day forward to tell my brother and i..."I love and I don't give a sh*t about what this world has trending."
I became depressed as trying to hide and force a smile only became worse as o soon wasn't only lying to the world but to myself. I hung with people whom never cared for my well being. I watched as they did the same to people just like me. I felt ashamed...
The many suicidal thought tend to put me in the pit of hell. Remembering when the person I thought I could trust touched me enough to say you can't trust a single person because everytime you do...you'll bruise.
I've picked up shattered glass only to be overwhelmed with painful cuts that only last a second but scared me forever.
I fell into peer pressure as o started becoming the classroom's sl*t and I'm glad I wasn't 10-11 and pregnant for I wasn't that stupid to be hit by a bad arrow from cupid. I guess I was - I know I was looking for love from a man but I guess I got it twisted with a boy.
I sold my heart at a young age. He was gentle and kind. Sweet and bitter just one of a kind. Handsome and settled someone divine.Tipsy and a treat and tasty like wine. Yet everything that good comes with a price.
We had our shares of pain from both sides. We both ended you know on good terms. Long-term relationships hurt because with busy schedules our love became burnt. Meeting each other saved both our lives. Yet I'm sorry to say I kept telling white lies.
The way I felt for him is for another time but the way I left felt like a crime. He'd call sometimes hit I couldn't answer o felt bad but filling that void with lust and pleasure was in mind. But falling in love I never meant to intertwine.
