Destiel One-Shots

I'm No Dr. Phil

Dean was finally able to admit it to himself. It hurt.

It fucking hurt, worse than all those years he'd spent in hell, as much as all those times he'd lost Sammy. It. Fucking. Hurt.

He felt he couldn't hide the truth from himself for any longer, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. He was in love with the angel.

"Get over it, man," he'd tell himself. "It's supposed to be a sin, and since the guy himself's from High-And-Mighty-Headquarters it's gotta be even worse." But the more he said it, the more he knew he wouldn't be able to. The moment he thought he was over him, those shockingly blue eyes would meet his and he was lost, over and over again. There was nothing he could do about it.

He figured he'd just let the feelings fester inside of himself, then once they got too strong, go out to a bar or something and drink them away. Maybe find a chick to take his mind off Castiel, at least for a night. God knows how many times he'd done that before, it was his way of dealing with things. It's not like he'd had a supportive parent to teach him otherwise.

Not like John would've been supportive of this anyway, he thought bitterly as he pushed his door open, slamming it shut behind him. Dean never knew how he felt about these kinds of things, but he was certain he didn't want to. Even as an adult Dean was haunted by past memories of his father.

No. He wasn't going to think about him. Who gave a damn what he thought, he was dead, and wasn't going to give Dean any more trouble. The only trouble he was in now was his feelings towards the angel. He certainly couldn't tell him, he'd end up getting some lecture on how he'd go to hell (and that was not a place he'd want to experience ever again) or how he was being ridiculous. That or... Dean didn't want to think about the opposite. Even though that was what he wanted, he was almost more afraid of that than Cas rejecting him.

Could he tell Sam about it? As much as Dean knew his brother cared about and supported him, he doubted homosexual feelings towards his first real best friend would go over well.

But why should he say anything, he'd never been one to open up about personal things, especially ones as serious as this. He wasn't even one to show he really had feelings when others were around.

Then again, he'd never been one to fall in love either. And he knew that he'd never felt anything towards anyone that came even close to the way he felt about Castiel. He absolutely despised how cliché he was, but whenever one of his songs mentioned anything about love, his mind always found a way to link it to him. Mentioning the way the love interest looked at the singer? The way those piercing azure eyes would meet Dean's so intently would be the first thing to pop into his head. The way she kissed? Cas' pale, dry lips that looked so inviting all the same. Her voice being the most beautiful sound in the world? Cas' low, slightly raspy voice really did something for Dean. He could go on for ages, but no. No chick-flick moments. Sure he could admit his feelings to himself, but he wouldn't go on and on about how Castiel was perfect. At least not purposely, as those thoughts always managed to slip into his head whether he liked it or not.

He groaned and slammed his fist repeatedly into one of his pillows. Maybe if he did it enough he'd stop being such a girl.

But if he thought the days were bad, the nights were even worse. He'd keep thinking about the countless girls he'd screwed, remembered looking at them and feeling nothing. Hell, he usually couldn't remember their faces after he left, much less their names. Who cared? But Dean knew Cas meant more to him than he could possibly imagine. His mind would wander and cause him to think of how it would feel to wake up next to him every day, see him with a smile on his face while he slept and be greeted with an even bigger one when he woke. He couldn't keep a real smile off his face when those scenarios popped up, no matter how unrealistic they might be. People just didn't love Dean Winchester, it was a fact he'd just accepted. Sure he had Sammy, but that was just a family requirement. Even those girls he'd charmed his entire life were only in it for the popularity or hell, even just sex. They didn't care about him personally.