It's been a while my friends...
A lot has happened in my life since I last posted. I dropped one of the most toxic people from my life. I met some of the greatest people. But idk rn I'm kinda pressed about this one great person u met . His name was Gabriel. I met him when I met my friend Ira. Me and her wanted to try out for cheerleading and we didn't know each other and suddenly she invited me to get McDonald's and got to her house. And I said yes. I met Gabriel at her house. He was her uncle...(long story) . I saw him all the time around school. I thought he was fine as hell . I was like damn look it's my mans. And then there he was . Standing In front of me in the middle of iras kitchen. I was shocked...and so was he. But after that we kinda just hit it off. We never stopped talking wether it was about music fashion or just his stupid stories of all the places he's lived. We talked and that was it. Soon enough I found myself catching feelings for him. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about anyone I didn't know what to do I was so scared. I was scared he didn't liek me I was scared I was annoying and I was scared of a whole bunch of things. But I continued to talk to him. I rember there was this one day. Me him ira and iras brother we're at the park. We were doing community service and it was pouring rain. We went to the skate park and went into the pool. That was one of my favorite and least favorite days. I learned so much about him. He was showing so much affection towards me. He would hold me. And just be gentle. I was never used to this. I had a panic attack right after that infront of him. I was scared. No one has ever been like this to me. I was scared of his intentions. What if all he wanted was sex like everyone else. I didn't want someone who I loved to be like everyone else. But I learned that day. That that wasn't the case. I got back home and I cried and cried to my mom. I wanted to know so badly what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be like all the other girls I know and just go with the flow. Why was I so scared of being loved or to love someone. I learned that night that my father used to beat my mom when I was young. I fact from the day I was born till I was 7 I witnessed everything. And then my mom divorced him. I guess I was so traumatized by it that it completely went out of my mind. But it still lingered there. Because I was scared of men. I was scared of what they would do to me. I still am. But I also learned to trust them. I wanted to trust Gabriel so much. So I did. And it was great.
Me and Gabriel never actually got together. Thing we're going ok for me. But not for him. He moved to my town to get away from his family. They were giving him shot and he wanted to live with his sister to see if he could fix some mental issues and stuff. But it really just got worse. His sister was so mean to him. For no reason. Eventually, she kicked him out. And my heart was broken. Because I couldn't even see him a last time. I couldn't tell him how I felt. I couldn't do anything. He was gone. And I cried. I cried a lot. I cried to days in a row. But that never fixed anything. So I got up and just said whatver. And kept living my life. That's where we come here. December 27 2017.. I'm missing him again. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm gonna find someone like him. I don't think I'm gonna love someone as much as I loved him. I don't think I'm gonna find someone who respected me as much as him. And here I am in my fucking shower trying to hold back tears writing this. Because I don't know. I don't know what to do. He's probobly fine. He probobly is dating someone up in Ocala with his friends. While I'm here and I feel so alone. I know o ahve people but as much people are around me I still feel liek I'm the only person in the world . I keep telling myself to get over it. But I can't. There's guys who tell me they like me. But I will never feel the same way I felt as I did Gabriel. Their not the same as him.. l their not as funny and ugly and stupid and amazing and interesting as him. They'll never understand me like him. They don't know me like him. And I guess that's it. That's all I wanted to vent out and say. I miss u. I miss you so fucking much. And I'm sorry I'm such a ducking pussy who can't get over u . But your the first fucking person I've ever loved and I feel like your going to be the only . Anyways. Goodnight everyone. Merry Christmas :)
