To All Those Brave and Lovely

Phantoms

Her dreams are full of monsters.

They used to be simple.  She would dream of robots that lurk over her and the ground turning to sand while she walks to school, of Spidermans voice and her hand slipping out of his grasp, of her mother's face when they buried her and the way her father crumpled when he hit the wall.  Now, though, she just dreams of monsters that lurk in the shadows and how they're always waiting to grab her the moment she lets down her guard.

She's always running, in her dreams. As fast as she can, her breath short and legs shaky and every muscle burning, but she can still see the darkness coming from her out of the corner of her eye.  Sometimes its a person, someone with glowing red eyes to match their firetruck red lipstick, someone who sort of looks like Margot.  Sometimes its a wave of water that's about to swallow her up.  And sometimes she looks back and realizes it was not a monster at all but someone reaching out to her for help, someone she had just ran away from.

Those were always the worst.

When she wakes, the lights are always on, and she can see the softer light shinging through her clost door, calling to her, promising her a place of safety if she would just cross the room.  But she doens't let herself fall into that again, just squeezes her eyes shut and bunches the sheets in her fists.

"FRIDAY?"  She knows that she is okay if FRIDAY answers.  There is no way to hack FRIDAY, no way to replicate her.

"You're safe,"  It's not a real person, but it is a comfort.  "You're safe."

She and Peter are dating now.

It's been a long time coming, but it still feels like something new, something to be celebrated.  And she supposes it feels that way because it is something new, so she still gets butterflies in her stomach when she sees him waiting for her and changes her outfit ten times before going to meet him.  But its also easier than she thought having a boyfriend would be.

With Peter, its like breathing, like finding someone whose footsteps you can math without breathing.  She thinks its because they did things in reverse, falling in love before anything else, even if they can't admit it yet.  

"You're sure about this?"  He asks her every time he kisses her, eyes searching all over her face for a shred of hesitation, and he pulls away everytime he finds one, even though she didn't think it was really there.  It is so diferent than the other boys, the one who would take and take and take without even wondering to think if she was ready to let it go.

This boy was all giving.

"I'm sure."  She always said, and it was like she was intent on devouring him, with how much time they spent together.  Part of Nora wants to make it so they're tied together in so many places it'd be impossible for him to leave.  She's so tired of people leaving her behind.  "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

She wakes to another nightmare, and this time she can't even get the words out to ask FRIDAY for help, so she just drowns in the fear until someone's hands are on her shoulders and sitting her upright.  It should have scared her worse, but she recognizes tony by the smell, a bit like motor oil and a bit like the cologne he wears.

"You're okay."  The lights blink on and she flinches away from them, away from him.  They both stare at each other for a moment.  "I thought you were getting better."

"I am."  It was so frustrating, having this, how you think you are at the end but its really just another hole waiting for you to fall down into, so you have to haul yourself back to being okay.  You don't get to feel good.  Okay is the best you can hope for.  "I'm trying to be.  It's just so tiring."

"What is?"

"Fighting it.  Working with it."  To anyone else, it would sound crazy, but she knew that Tony would understand.  He has cracks in the same places.  "Like, I can work with it.  Tie down the panic, shove away the bad thoughts.  And I'm fine, during the day.  But at night."

"You're asleep."  There are tmes when she fully appreciates having him as a father, and this was one of them.  "And you can't fight it when you're dreaming."

"I'm crazy, aren't I?"  It wasn't a new thought but it was a terrifying one.  "I was crazy before, and now I'm just broken."

"You aren't."  He grabbed her by the wrists to stop the scratching.  She'd gotten used to having Peter's bracelet to play with, and when it wasn't there, she clawed at her wrists.  The inside of her arms are decorated with scabs.  "You're healing."

The third time she wakes up and FRIDAY doesn't come on, she tears herself out of bed and follows the sound of the rock metal to the garage.  

Tony's there, in old jeans and a t-shirt, and doesn't see her until she's standing right in front of him.

"I changed my mind." she was still shaking, and her wrist was bleeding a little, trickling down over her hand.  "I want to be able to fight.  I want a suit."

He looks her over for a moment, then nods.  And then he throws a stack of files at her feet.  "You want one?"  It feels like the beginnnng of something, when she goes from being something weak to something strong.  "You build it."