Sometimes me and my subconscious would have life changing conversations.
"What's your biggest fear?" The moon would whisper as the water slowly rises.
"I don't know. I don't think I have one." I would say.
"Everyone's afraid of something. More than one thing actually." It would say
"I guess I'm scared of spiders."
"Why?"
"I don't know they're scary??"
"But why?"
"Because they can hurt you."
"But it's not only spiders that can hurt you. Why aren't you scared of hamsters? They can hurt you."
"Well hamsters are cute."
"So just because hamsters are cute you're prepared to let your guard down?"
"I don't know I've never thought about it like that."
"So when that cute boy came into your life and you let your guard down what happened?"
"I got hurt."
"Why?"
"Because I trusted him."
"Why?"
"Because he didn't look as scary as a spider."
"But what was on the inside?"
"Thousands of spiders."
"And what happened?"
"I got hurt."
"So what are you scared of?"
"Getting hurt."
"And how do you know to be scared of that?"
"Because I've been hurt."
"What hurt you?"
"Everyone."
"Who did it first?"
"My dad."
"How did he hurt you?"
"He left."
"So what are you scared of?"
"Abandonment."
"And what always happens when you get a new friend?"
"They see me for what I am and abandon me."
"And what are you?"
"Hurt."
"And?"
"Bitter."
"And?"
"Afriad."
"So why don't your friends stay?"
"Because I allow myself to be controlled by fear."
"Who controlled you to this point of fear?"
"Alexander."
"Well he was just like any other boy. Why did you listen to him? Why were you afraid of him?"
"Because I saw him for what he really was."
"Why can't you do that with everyone?"
"I don't know."
"What did he do that showed you his true self."
"He tried to drown me."
"So what else are you scared of?"
"Drowning."
"And what are you doing right now?"
By this point in the conversation I was completely submerged and I had been for awhile. I wasn't panicking though.
"I'm drowning."
"So why aren't you scared?"
"Because no ones holding me under."
"So why are you still underwater?"
"Because I'm not afraid."
"Why?"
"Because I can breathe."
"How? Humans can't breathe underwater."
"Because I've evolved."
"How?"
"Gils grew where my scars were."
"So what are you?"
"Anything I want to be."
And from that day on I've been obsessed with sirens. The beautiful manipulators. They're confident and they are in control.
"Well what do you want to be."
"A siren."
"Why?"
"Cause they have all the control."
"Why do you want control?"
"Because I've never had it."
"Why?"
"BECAUSE YOU CANT CONTROL ABANDONMENT."
"So why do you let it?"
And with those final words I floated to the surface of the water. And from there I was reborn. And in this New Year I'm done letting people control me. It's my world.
