Escape Myself

Inside the body Crystal

  Figuring out my mind is like trying to figure out the worlds hardest rubuix cube. It could take years to figure it out and you would need one hell of a genius to be able to do that and maybe nobody would be able to figure it out and after awhile it would be useless.Looking inside my mind would be like looking at a battlefront. Nobody wants to see it,it doesnt make sense. There is atrocity all around,few people survive.There is a war that shouldn't be happening, nobody truly knows why it even started but it did and no one knows when it will end or if end is even a possibility. The biggest difference from that and my mind is that the only war that is happening is with myself. Nobody can physically see me falling apart but i can,and its not just,me falling apart physically i am falling apart mentally and nobody can help. Everything i do i feel like i am doing it wrong.I critisize myself for everything,even if i didn't do it i feel like i did. I read an article once and it basically said the more you smile even if you have to force yourself to smile you are suppost to feel happier. Yeah i tried that for a little while and the only thing i felt was sadder because i knew that the smile i put on my face was a lie and it reminded me of how things used to be,and it just didn't work. Everything that is going on in my mind is hidden on the outside, because i dont want people to worry about me. I put on an act everyday,convincing everyone that i am a true happy person,making everyone think that i am one of them,and not an outcast. The truth is that i am actually an outcast and i am not like everyone else but i dont want anyone to know that. I strive for acceptance and fight against denial,but maybe i won't win this fight.

    I see everyone around me like an obsticle that i need to avoid and if i dont succeed i will be drawn into a deeper darker hell. Nobody knows what is going on in my head,nobody knows my past,nobody understands. It's not like i even expect anyone to understand, i just want people to listen and have empathy, but in today's day and age that seems to be impossible. I have very few friends,lately i have been keeping distance not telling them as much mainly because i know they probably wouldn't underdstand and they would probably start thinking of me differently. I care so much about them but it doesnt seem like they care very much about me but that is okay because nobody really cares much about me,im more known for being used than being cared about. Sometimes someone will come into my life acting like they care so much but once they get what they want they are gone. The worst thing about that is that i fall for it every single time. People fuck me up. Everyone likes to toy with my emotions until i break and once im broken i am useless. When will people figure out that i may be broken but i am not destroyed. Broken can be fixed but its not much longer and i will be destroyed and that can not be fixed.