Occam's Razor Does Not Apply Here

Chapter Four 2/2

"...So! heheheh," Dorsalis said, stopping an argument between the alternate brothers, "This is Cane, he makes a lot of the major decisions for the team, and keeps it organized."

"Which he does ironically well," the Alphys (Bahariasaurs), added on.

"You wound me," said Cane, holding a hand over her sternum.

"That's what I'm talking about," she deadpanned, lazily gesturing toward Cane, who merely shrugged.

"So where were we?" Cane asked his shoddy excuse of a team.

S/Kayrulus muttered something sarcastic about "we", that Sans didn't really care to figure out.

"We hadn't got to nicknames or 'spoilers' yet," said Dorsalis, seeming to be the only member of the group that cared, or wasn't angry at the alternate Papyrus.

"Right," he said, "So now that I'm here, I have to actually do my job and tell you about this. You see-" Before he could get any further, Papyrus exploded.

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION?"

Heh. Sans hadn't really expected Papyrus to get that upset at the general incompetence. (Yes, Sans was incompetent, knew it, and didn't care, but others's obvious incompetency riled him up. Suck his non-existent dick.)

"Like I said," the grating lizard called from her desk, "Ironically good."

"...Sure," said Cane, nodding, "Let's go with irony."

"What," mumbled Sans.

Don't get him wrong, these guys were annoying as all hell, and Sans intrinsically did not want to be part of this so-called "Danaus", but something about the general lack of sense drew him in. So if Papyrus changed his mind... fuck that. This made no sense, so he was going to force it to make sense.

"Anyway, as you can probably see, there are multiple versions of... well, everyone around here. We're given an identifying number, and a nickname to tell each other apart. I'm sure Kay told you about timeline shenanigans, so I won't go too in-depth. But that does mean one thing. Your timeline isn't quite caught up with the minimum, so you can't get a full job yet."

He was going to be talking for a while, wasn't he? At least it seemed like he tried to keep it brief.

"Once that does pass though, you'll can... I dunno. Live in this universe and stuff. Also, due to the shenanigans, you could end up with holes in your memory. And that could really screw some stuff up. So yeah. Anyway, tomorrow there's going to be a 'reset' class that should fix it. Don't worry, it's pretty much standing in a room. I think that's it."

"I ASSUME THE 'CLASS IS FOR SANS," Papyrus said, "AND WHAT ABOUT ME?"

Cane shrugged. "Can't really do anything about it. But usually you start to pick up the ability to remember through resets, so I wouldn't sweat it."

Papyrus's phalange started tapping on his humerus. He was contemplating. Sans knew what it was about, of course. Papyrus's alternate also seemed to know exactly what he was thinking.

"Look, we aren't going to, y'know, try and kill him or anything. The killing is pretty much reserved for Underfell universes," he said convincingly.

"Hey," muttered Baharieahsaur in the background. Dorsalis "shooshed" her. Once again. Professionalism. (Heheh, this must be driving Papyrus batshit.)

"So, yeah," Cane said, "I think that's pretty much all you needed to know."

"Hey, some of your programs didn't download onto that phone ya gave us," Sans said, before Cane could wave them off again.

"Oh," said Cane, "Do you have the phone with you?"

Sans dug into the pocket of his sweatshirt, and pulled out the offending device. Dorsalis rolled by on a chair, and took it. What the shit.

"YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT AN 'IDENTIFYING NUMBER' AND A NICKNAME. I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE GOOD FORM TO KNOW WHAT OURS ARE NOW," Papyrus said, eyes narrowing as a programmer version of his good friend and co-worker sat down, and successfully navigated a computer.

"Hm," said Cane, his eyes shifting to Baharsaur, "What did you come up with again?"

Beherieseurus probably rolled her eyes (Sans couldn't exactly see them through the glasses) and huffed, "I called them Tooth 'n' Claw. And they better not give me crap about it." Through the glasses, Sans could tell that she was directing her gaze toward Sans and Papyrus, "It's better if you don't choose your own nickname. Then you can blame someone for your dumb name."

Dumb name indeed. Also, who the hell was 'Tooth' and who was 'Claw'?

"Uh," Cane said slowly.

"Tooth," Bannanasaurus said, pointing a claw at Sans, and then at Papyrus, "and Claw."

"I.D. for the universe is upper case U-F, lower case six, e-a-d, five, upper V, lower six, zero, upper C, lower one. Naturally, tack on 'Sans' and 'Papyrus' at the end," Dorsalis rattled off from her chair.

"...Catch that?" Cane asked, effectively raising the eyebrow that he didn't have.

"Fuck no," Sans ('Tooth', apparently) said. Say-Kayrules made a pissed-off Papyrus sound in the background, but didn't say anything.

"Sans!" Papyrus hissed in his ear. Right. Fuckin' professionalism.

"Thought not," Cane said, shrugging, "It'll be on your phone."

"IS THAT ALL?" Papyrus asked. Heh, if Sans was being driven up the wall, what was happening to Pap...yrus?

"Mmmm... yeah," Cane said after a moment, "Dorsal, have you got the phone ready yet?"

"Yep," Dorsalis said, holding the phone out behind her, "It took a while though."

"It took a while" meaning the time it took to have inane conversation that Sans just had, apparently.

Papyrus took the phone without, to anyone who didn't know him, any fanfare. Of course, Sans was his brother, and knew that this would be the point when, if Papyrus didn't care about being professional (okay, once he got back to his "universe", where everything was sane, Sans was not going to think that word for a month), he'd be screeching, "For the love of fuck, can we get out of here already?"

Or something like that. Actually, he'd probably be a lot more creative with his insults. When Papyrus lost his shit, he lost it with style.

There was a loud whirring that came from a complex-looking machine at the back of the room, and Sans braced himself for a fight.

...That didn't come. Baharia-whatsit gestured to the machine in a "You happy now?" way to Cane, before walking back to her own desk.

"Well," Cane said, waving them away, "Off you go."

Wow. Rude. Hurtful. Not really. You didn't live in the Underground with fragile emotions.

...Sans couldn't get through the portal fast enough.