M&Ms

F

I was right back where the hell I started.

With Amanda and M&Ms.

With pain and suffering.

Nothing new.

Nothing to be proud of.

"Fuck off," I coldly scolded Amanda.

"Chill, I'm here to give you this," she smiled as she handed me a red M&M.

I broke down.

"What did I do to deserve you?" I cried harder and hugged her leg. "Help me get better. Please." I continued to soak her leg in my salty tears. I was so embarrassed but I just couldn't stop. I just wanted to be me without being depressed and suicidal and anorexic.

My life was a complete mess, and I finally wanted to get better.

~ 1 week l8r ~

"I just feel like a human being again. I feel like I can feel feelings like anyone else. Of course I'm still depressed, but no where near were I was a weak ago. It was almost like a night and day transformation. I can almost feel myself becoming happier. To the point where I don't need this place to keep me upright, which is what I wish I could've realized a long time ago." I smiled at the ground while talking to my doctor. He continued writing down notes. This was hard to fake.

"I'm so proud of you, Nikki. You've grown so much, only in a week. Who are you changing for?" He knitted his thick eyebrows together.

I badly wanted to say me. But I knew it was for William. I tried to getting something out of my throat. "I-It's for this boy. Every time I ignored him last week, it broke my heart. I just want to make it up to him and show him how much I've changed." The words sourly came out of my mouth.

"Hunny, Nikki, you can't do that to yourself. You cannot lean on anyone else. You have to do this for yourself." My doctor said. I knew he was right.

"I know. But how do I do it?" I questioned.

"That's for you to find out," he winked and stood up to walk out of my room.

~ two days l8r ~

My mind still echoed the doctor's orders. We would talk about it every time, and I never had an answer. Until today. I felt myself lift a weight off of my shoulders. I knew what I had started, and I was going to finish it.

When Dr. Carlos walked in, I smiled from ear to ear. I showed him the pill bottle. He panicked. "Don't worry, it's only M&Ms. It's my  non-addictive happy pills. This was my reason to get up in the morning. Until I stopped taking one in the morning, and I continued to get up. It was my crutch and I couldn't become happy. Then I became dependent from them, and I've never been happier, Dr. Carlos. I'm finally happy. I can finally accept that I'll have bad days and good days. I can finally accept that these won't make me happy, these or my actual anti-depressants. They just make me empty... and so does this depressing place. I want the hell out." I psychotically smiled and ate all of the M&Ms. I stormed out of the room. I went up to the "med station" and busted through the piece of glass for a window that opens only from the inside.

I hopped through the busted glass with my bleeding hand. Once I stepped on the glass, my hand wasn't the only thing bleeding. But I was so numb. I opened drawers, downing medications. I locked the doors so no one could get in. I downed every last medication and unlocked the door.

There wasn't much that was unlocked anyway.

Amanda was the first to come in. "WHY NIKKI! WHY!" She cried as she held me. The paramedics were here to take me back to the hospital.

But I died on the way to the hospital... Dizzy and delusional.