My Name Is Harper

iv

((TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER!!))

6 months later

I looked into the full sized mirror in the corner of my shared room. I didn't feel like me. I cut my hair, I lost weight, I changed my style. I wondered what was happening? What was wrong? I decided to push it to the back of my mind as I did every day. Things got worse every time I did that.  

Maisie walked in while I was staring myself in the mirror. "You okay?" She asked. She sat on her bed and put her phone on charge.

"Maisie." I started and sat down on my bed. "I want to come out. I really do. It might make me happy." I said. I fidgeted with a key-ring as I spoke. 

"Do it then. I can stand by your side." She smiled. I hummed sightly 

"When should I do it?" I asked, my heart beating like a drum, my hands becoming clammy. 

"Why don't you come out when they're drunk?"

"No."

"We can get them high?"

"No! Maisie!"

"Okay sorry." Maisie giggled slightly and an awkward silence filled the room.

"What about dinner?" I voiced the idea.

"Yeah that works." Maisie said. "I still kinda want to get mum and dad on weed." I gave Maisie a fed up look. 

"Girls! Dinner!" Mum shouted from the kitchen. Maisie and I gave each other 'the nod' and rushed downstairs. All five of us got our food and sat at the table. It was spaghetti and tomato sauce. Boring. About halfway through eating I began to stutter. "M-mum. Dad. C-Caleb." 

"Hmm hmm?" Caleb asks, his mouth full of food. 

"T-there's something you need to know." I paused. My brain seemed to pause. Mum put her knife and fork down and dad twirled spaghetti on his fork. I took a deep breath. "I. I am pansexual. I like boys and girls and anyone of other genders." I said, taking it all off of my chest. Dad dropped his fork on his plate.

"What do you mean?" He asked. It was in a calm tone but it had angry undertones. 

"I-I-I am pan." I said. My dad rolled his eyes.

"Fag." He quietly mumbled. I pushed my chair back and walked up stairs. I tried to hold back my tears. I was tired of my father and his bigoted opinions. I closed the door behind me. This happens so much. Fights. Homophobic slurs.

A knock on my door broke the silence. I didn't reply but my mother opened my door anyway. She sat down on my bed next to me. "I don't have a problem with gays." She said before a pause. "But it's different when it's your daughter is a part of the community. It will be difficult to accept you." She said. 

"Why does it make a difference?" I asked quietly, hitting my first finger on my right hand with my left thumb quickly. Mum paused and sighed.

"I don't know. It's just different."

"You're okay with gays as long as they have nothing to do with you?" I asked her. 

"Well when you put it that way-"

"You sound like a bigoted ass?" I interrupted 

"Callie! But yeah you're right. I do. Callie I love you but your dad and I and maybe even Caleb and Maisie need time to get used to it."

"Maisie already knew. I told her a while ago." I admitted.

"Well why didn't you tell us when you told Maisie?" Mum asked, now turning her whole body towards me.

"I wasn't ready." I lied simply. I didn't tell them when I told Maisie because I knew that she was accepting of me in every way.  Mum got up and left, leaving the door open. I looked over to my window sill. There was a sharpener. A red one that was broken and badly fixed. I stared at it. The blade used to use. I turned my head, forcing me to look away, taking me away from temptations but I had to look back. I stood up and walked over to it. I stopped. No. I didn't want to do this. I picked up the sharpener and took out the blade. No! I felt as if I had no control. I rolled up my sleeve. Stop! I hesitated. I took a deep breath.

"Callie! What are you doing?" Maisie was stood in the doorway, I looked at her. Her face was scared and concerned. Suddenly a tear rolled down my cheek.

"I don't have any control!" I cried and dropped the blade on the floor. Maisie ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me. I sobbed. I couldn't stop. I looked down. The blade was on the floor but my arm was still outstretched at the elbow. 

"What's wrong with me?" I cried, lifting my head to look at the ceiling. 

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Trust me Callie." Maisie tightened her grip around me.

((Writers note: I am so sorry if any of this chapter upset anyone to a great extent. Wow. I even think this is a lot...))