Under His Bonds of Chain

Untitled Part 4

Since that day i have talked to Tyler everyday all the time. Sometimes I get the impression that i am forcing the conversation onto him; that i'm making him talk when he doesn't want to talk to me. I've asked him sometimes, but he denies it. Yet the feeling never subsides, it always remains in the back of my mind and reappears at unwanted times.

A couple of weeks ago, i had a mental breakdown. I don't know what the exact reasons were, but it had to do something with the whole Tyler situation, school, and family. It was sort of the a combination of all three of them. I think it was mostly about the whole Tyler deal.

You see, i have the biggest crush on Tyler. Whenever i see him i just want to walk up to him and place my lips on his. I constantly have dreams where were in an alternate dimension and Tyler and I are a couple; where everyone thinks we're the power couple and where we don't have to hid from our parents for being gay and in a relationship with each other.

The thing is that i know this will never happen, as far as i know Tyler is straight and has a girlfriend, i would never be able to tell my parents about me being gay, and and even if Tyler was into guys he would never be into me. Who would ever like me and want to be in a relationship with me.

However, my love for Tyler was getting in the way of everything. I cannot stop thinking about him or being delusional about the unrealistic relationship. And with every passing day the realization only makes me get worse and worse. Everyday i would only like Tyler more and more but simultaneously the realization that i could never be with him also grew and grew. With both of these parasites growing inside me, it only made me more ornery and miserable.

Repeatedly everyday i am alway the one to send the message that say "Hey!" and everyday he was the one to end the conversation. Repeatedly everyday when he fails to reply back I end up throwing my phone across the room into the wall. Repeatedly everyday when he fails to reply back i end up crying myself to sleep. Repeatedly everyday when he fails to reply back i tell myself that i shouldn't put all of myself into something that isn't worth it and doesn't care about the feeling that i possess. But everyday when he fails to answer back i end up being submissive to him and reattempt to start a conversation with him in hopes of find success.

Im worried that I am the one allowing myself to be like this. Like i let myself become destroyed by my own self. I am constantly trying to break this and become happy and independent, but everyday I am sucked into the endless pit of misery and disappointment.

Sometimes I think of the extremes to find a way to end all this anguish. Everytime i come up with the same solution, but i never carry it out. I promise myself along time ago that i would never come to that solution.