Worth It

Chapter 7

    When Monica woke up the next morning, she knew it was going to be a bad day. Her head pounded in her skull, her limbs shook with a fury that scared even her. The emptiness in her threatened to take over and Monica's lack of control over her thoughts and emotions dictated a rough start to the week.

    Mondays are hard enough without all this to deal with.

    In Monica's world, some days were okay, never good, but at least she felt in control of her anxiety, her life. Other days were like this, and they usually ended in frustration and tears. Her current state of questioning, fear, and doubt, about everything she had learned at youth group and from her new friends added to the swirling mass of thoughts that lead to a silent scream bubbling up in Monica's head.

    I can't do this anymore. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I want to feel free; I want to feel safe, loved. This isn't how sixteen year old girls are supposed to spend their lives!

    The voice that she had been free of recently came back with a crushing force. You don't deserve to feel free, safe, or loved. You're worthless. No one loves you, they are faking it, and there is no way a magical fairy god loves you either.

    Somehow despite every bone in her body telling her to fall back asleep and skip school, Monica dragged herself out of bed. On the bad days, the smallest tasks took the most effort. She knew in her heart that today would be one of those days where she had no control, where emotion instead of logic reigned supreme.

                       

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The apartment door slammed shut. Monica rushed to her room tears blurred her vision, and she barely made it to her bed. I'm so glad dad is still at work. I don't want him to see me like this; Monica managed to think before she lost all control of her thoughts. With emotions swirling, and tears falling, there was no room for anything else. After some time, Monica fought for control and managed to stop crying long enough to think of a solution. Maybe Samantha can help me make sense of everything. Maybe she will have the answers. Monica reached for her phone. Maybe her current fear made her brave. For once she was being rational. It was too late now, the phone was ringing.

"Hey Monica, what's up?" said Samantha when she picked up, her voice cheerful as always.

"Samantha...I..."Monica trailed off as her vision blurred with tears again and her voice cracked, interrupted with a sob.

"Girl, what's wrong? Talk to me!" whispered Samantha her voice calming and full of sympathy.

"I had an awful day, and I'm just so confused. Everything I hear at youth group just leaves me frustrated. I just want to know the truth. The things you talk about goes against everything I've ever heard about myself and about God," said Monica now sobbing again.

"Oh Monica, I know it's all new to you, and it can be a lot to take in all at once, especially now when you're already struggling. God loves you Monica, he is always with you, helping you through everything you face in this life."

"God could never love me, I'm worthless," whispered Monica, pushing her heaviest thought into the open.

"Not in God's eyes. In his eyes, you are his beautiful daughter. Nothing that you do will ever change that.

"You don't know what I've done."

"I know it's so hard to believe the truth when you are continually bombarded by the lies this world throws at you, but I promise that that's the truth. You are not alone Monica."