(2018 OLD) pretty u; verkwan oneshots

the one where chan doesn't know what to do (TW)

sorry for coming back with such a bad chapter, i'm trying. read the a/n at the end for some clarification about me and what not ( selfish i know )

ok so trigger warning for eating disorders, also, i am not condoning or romanticising this in any way so please keep that in mind. also seungkwan is very clearly my seventeen bias and i love him very much, i do not feel that there is anything wrong with his visuals in any way. i love him and every member of seventeen as they are. 

---

chan notices things that he doesn't quite know how to bring up 

---

seungkwan sighed as he walked into the bathroom. it was around 6 in the morning and he wanted to take a shower before waking the rest of the members up. they all had a busy day ahead of them, starting with some recordings and then an appearance on a variety show and finally dance practise which most likely won't end until 6 the next day.

seungkwan turns the shower on and strips from his clothes as the water warms up, he diverts his attention from the mirrors as best he can, trying his best not to look at himself knowing that it'll just make him uncomfortable. 

seungkwan had been having this internal debate with himself about his looks recently. both feelings of hatred and love swimming through his mind. he didn't quite know which to believe more. but like with most things, the negative feelings were a lot stronger. 

he wanted to be confident in himself, he wanted to see the good parts of his body and his visuals, why was that so hard all of a sudden? sure, he knew his visuals weren't the best in the group, not only did he know that but he's had many people make that very clear to him. seungkwan also knew that he could do with dropping a few pounds. a very dark part of him believed that his weight was the problem and that it was what was holding him back from being considered a visual.

once the water seemed to be warm seungkwan quickly stepped under the tap, basking in the feeling of the drops softly hitting his skin. skin he's lately been itching to get out of. seungkwan was very unfamiliar with the feeling of being uncomfortable in his own skin, or with himself. confidence and self esteem levels have always been high in seungkwan, he strongly believed that no one could make you feel bad about yourself without your consent. 

but now, the messages online and the company pushing him. now with the lighthearted jokes from fans and members, he seems so be finding it a little harder than before to keep up his confidence levels. 

the shower is quick and brisk and seungkwan is out soon enough, he dresses in some sweatpant and a t-shirt before grabbing his trainers and slipping them on as well. instead  of moping around about his constantly dropping self esteem he decided to go for a run. maybe that would clear his head. 

seungkwan grabs a bottle of water from the kitchen before looking towards the pantry, debating breakfast. he pushed the idea to the side as, they'll eat as a group later on. he writes a quick note, explaining his whereabouts and leaves it on the fridge door. 

the door slams behind him as the keys jingle in his pocket, and with that seungkwan is off on his run, missing chan's question as he leaves. 

---

when seungkwan returns to the dorm, it's only an hour later and all the members are up. the door unlocks smoothly as he steps in, taking his shoes off. 

"i'm back!" he yelled as he enters, all eyes shooting towards him. 

"oh hey seungkwan, i saw your note. a run?" jeonghan questions as he walks over to seungkwan, placing a hand on his head "are you ok, you don't usually go for runs?"