fragile ∾ pjm + myg

chapter six

One of the most stressful parts of living the life of an idol, on Jimin's opinion, was comeback seasons.

Maybe it was the chaotic frenzy that every single person in the company seemed to be stuck in, or the doubled up hours on the practice room and vocal lessons and strict diets and new fans, new music, new album, new everything. But this time Jimin was ecstatic by it all; it meant a fixed routine. Wake up, run away from breakfast, dance practice seven days a week, vocal lessons three times a week, recording every time the producers called him. Eat the dinner his diet allowed with everyone and throw it all up later on; this way, they would see him eat, and nobody would give him shit about not eating enough. It was easy, living like this. Stressful, yes; his body ached more and more each day passing and he couldn't get up anymore without feeling like the whole world was spinning around him. He didn't have trouble sleeping anymore, the tiredness blacking him out every single day, even if the dark bags under his eyes never really went away; hair falling on chunks every time he washed it.

So when he had to dye his hair again for the album promotions, he endured a half an hour lecture from his hairstyler about how fucking broken his hair was and he needed to care about it more. At least that's what he caught of it, having zoned out after the first five minutes, not bothering to listen to it. He did care for his hair; his body was just lacking the nutrients it needed to keep it somewhat healthy. And that, Jimin couldn't bring himself to care about.

The chaotic routine was starting to take a toll on him, even if he would never admit it out loud. The packed up schedules, rehearsal upon rehearsal, endless recordings and interviews and plans for the next world tour were slowly but surely exhausting Jimin to no end, except this time he had no one to see it. The members were all too busy to care about anything but their own doings this time around, and Jimin had conflicted feelings about it all. On one part he was beyond happy he didn't need to deal with Taehyung and Yoongi breathing down his neck, but he missed it. He missed the way they would take care of him and tell him it was okay; he missed having something to hold on to.

How selfish could he even get?

Running a hand through his re-dyed pastel pink hair, feeling the damaged, thin strands escaping through his fingers did little to ground him; Jimin felt like all of this was an out of body experience. He couldn't stay focused anymore, his body dancing on its own and vocal cords working by themselves, lyrics and choreography attached to his brain like a broken record that you could never really get rid of. Being alone made him realize how much he actually started leaning on his friends, made him realize how much he really started needing them to function. And now that they were busy with their own lives, Jimin was once again left all alone to his dark thoughts consuming his mind at every passing second. It wasn't their fault, not really. It was all Jimin's doings. He could've backed away, could've just stayed in his own way, self-destructing alone; he didn't need to drag both of his friends into the mess he was. But he did and now that they weren't always here , Jimin couldn't manage it anymore. It was like he was suddenly left in the dark again, with nowhere to turn.

He could always say that to them. Could always talk to them, a part of his brain knew they would never turn their backs to him. But talking about it suddenly made everything more real and Jimin didn't want it to be real. He didn't want to voice it all out when all he felt most of the times was an uncomfortable numbness and endless void inside himself. So, no, Jimin couldn't reach out to them. Jimin didn't want it to be real.

Jimin just wanted to be okay. At least pretending was easier.

⍉

Promotions were finally over and Jimin felt so drained that he could just lay in bed for a whole year, and it would still not be enough. Not even two full weeks of promotions seemed like two whole fucking centuries and Jimin couldn't be more glad it was over; the thought that in the past he would cry a little at the thought of it, because he just didn't want it to end yet. But Jimin changed. Definitely not for better, but he changed, and now he was dealing with the consequences of said changes.