Depression

Chapter 2: The downfall

They say everything gets worse before it gets better but they don't mention how bad it gets, they don't specify how much worse it gets; it gets to the point where you don't know whether you want to wait for things to get better you just want to feel better, to feel nothing... to be nothing. The oh so helpful doctors just tell us that everything will be fine but what if we don't want it to be? Will they tell us what we want to hear or what they think we need to hear? Will they tell us that we are dying and give us a rush of happiness like we have never felt before or just continue to say we will be okay and make us determined to prove them wrong? Some days I wish for both scenarios and others I wish for neither. But one day I decided to fulfil my wish, I felt as most of you do, I felt I couldn't carry on and I felt id be better off without a heartbeat - I'm not going to sugar coat anything as you've probably guessed by now and I took an overdose. It felt as though my body sighed, in relief or worry I'm not sure but what I am sure of is that I felt as calm as ever.

Days passed and so did the relief and the guilt, despair, upset and regret took its place, my body ached more than ever, I couldn't stand without pain rushing through it and these cold feelings running through my head. I felt weak, I was weak. The pain in my mothers eyes and voice made me realise how serious this situation was and how I needed to get stronger so then her eyes would be blue and full of happiness again, she was my reason to get better, I wanted to be better for her, for my best friend and rock, for my mum. Guilt ran through my body faster than any other feeling has flown threw it ever before when I saw her eyes and the tears streaming from them and for that i am forever sorry. I never wanted to upset my mother she is my reason to smile and yet i am her reason to cry, I broke her heart trying to stop my own and now I must put it back together and my own, I need to get better, I need to be stronger, healthier, happier... i want to for her and for me. Yeah life can be shit and hard and this and that but we all got given it, one life and one only, there's a reason were here even if you don't see it, I didn't but I'm going to find it, I'm going to live my life to its full.