Scars and Tears

Due

My eyes fluttered open for a brief moment as the nurses wheeled me down the hall screaming at others to move out of the way. She looked down at me screaming at me but I couldn't hear a thing she was saying. It scared me a little. Did I go deaf? I was beginning to feel dizzy again before my eyes closed once again.

I stared at the bright light that was almost blinding me. I've heard about this light, the light that takes you away from your misery. By now, I knew the doctors were trying their best to save me but is it bad if I say I don't want them to. I want them to let me die because in all honesty that's what's best. Where am I gonna go when I leave the hospital because their is going to be no one that will take me in.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest making me fall to the ground with tears streaming down my face. Where was I? Once the pain finally settled down I was able to get up and explore. It was a pretty small place but it was outside somewhere. Trees were surrounding me along with a few houses and a playground a few feet away from me.

My feet took me towards a slide where I felt all of the weight lift off of my shoulders. It felt like the depression just disappeared, like I have been happy all my life. Nothing compares to the feeling I am feeling right now. I wonder if I have a choice of whether I want to die or not. Does anyone have a choice. As I can see I am very much alive right now, just unconscious in the real world.

What is the real meaning of life? Why are we all here? Is it for someone's entertainment because I just really can't believe it's for our own. I'm definitely not getting any entertainment. It's funny how when your on the verge of death all of these questions pop in your mind, haunting you.

If I died I really don't think I would be able to forgive myself. Some would say that it isn't my fault but if I'm being honest, I could have tried harder. I haven't even had a boyfriend or even a first kiss for Christ sake, meaning what? I'm still a virgin. A broken little virgin girl.

Another sharp pain to my heart had me screaming this time. What is this feeling? Is this a sign that I'm dying? Should have figured it, everyone knew I wasn't gonna last long. Bye world.

A half an hour later I was on the ground trying to control the pain. My eyes won't stop rolling back, please stop. The only thing I could do was beg silently to myself. After 10 minutes I finally let loose and an ear piercing scream escaped from my mouth.

I continued screaming hearing the nurses rush into the room along with a couple doctors. I couldn't really comprehend anything, just the amount of pain I was in. They didn't give me anything during surgery because they figured I would die anyway. That has to be the only reason I'm in pain right. Two nurses held me down as another one stuck a needle in my arm. My screams stopped within a few seconds and my eyes closed once again.

---*---

I pried my eyes open feeling my body ache and throat dry. I know for a fact my breath will kill somebody if they get to close. I turned to my right seeing Lena sleeping in a chair. I attempted to call her name but all that came out was air. I couldn't even lift my arm up to snap my fingers. After a few more tries sound came out of my mouth and her eyes flew open. She looked at me in shock, "Evangeline"?

"Why are you saying my name like I'm new or something?" I croaked out. She rushed out of the chair, straight to my side before hugging me. I winced making her quickly jump back, "How long have I been out?"

"For about a week." A week!? It felt like a few hours. A doctor came in with a wide smile on her face.

"I thought I heard two voices in here. How are you feeling?" She grabbed a pen out of her pocket and wrote something down on the clipboard in her hand. She must have been the one taking care of me this whole time.

"Come una merda." She raised an eyebrow before writing something else down. I truly feel like I'm in a therapy session or something. Lena was still staring at me with that same look in her eyes, The look of relief, something I've been waiting to see in her eyes since I was 16.

The doctor came over and pulled the IV out of my arm before checking my blood pressure, "My name is Violet Carter, nice to finally see you awake. Are you feeling any pain on your abdomen?"

"A little but not much." She nodded her head before taking the thing off of my arm and writing the numbers on the clipboard.

"When the surgeons removed your clothes they seen something that only you can explain. The scars, I'm sure you didn't cause them yourself. The one on the bottom of your foot can be questioned, but the others? I'm not trying to get into your business but you seem like a sweet woman. Your sister said you were 24 years old, that's a bit young to have all of these scars. I definitely don't take you for a collector." My jaw dropped in disbelief. She's getting into my business now.

I stared at her before turning on my side and closing my eyes. I don't understand why it makes me so mad when people ask about my scars. Is it because I don't want to tell them the truth? Or is it because I am scared of the rejection? No one would want to accept me if they knew the truth, that's why I lied so much. Like I said, I have told people I fell but other times I tell them a dangerous trick I was trying that ended with me cutting myself every time.

No one needs to know the truth. I'm sure by now Faith has caught on a little. She knows that it's a she that is doing it and she also knows I am very close with my sister so that would literally leave her with one option. My devious mother. There had to be more than what my father did that triggered her. She was so loving and so caring that nothing else mattered anymore but her love. Now, the only thing that matters is my anger and this cruel world.

"Penso che dovresti andartene." I said.

"She said she thinks you should leave." The doctor apologized before walking out of the door. I appreciate everything she's done for me but I don't appreciate her getting into my personal life. She has no right whatsoever just like no one else has any rights.

All they will do is make fun of me. A 24 year old still letting her mother abuse her. I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate, "Calm down. Take deep breaths, stop overthinking."

"You want me to stop overthinking? How the hell am I supposed to do that! I've had to go through this my entire life and your asking me to stop overthinking. I have nothing left Lena. Mom hates me, dad left, and next you are gonna think that I am weak and you are gonna finally come to your senses. You haven't talked to your boyfriend in months because you've been so worried about me. Are you two even still together?"

She shook her head making me scoff. I'm probably sounding like a bitch but I'm telling the truth. Everyone gets tired of me sooner or later and it's just a matter of time before she gets tired of me to. That's what all of my family does. I'm sure that's what my friends would do if I ever had any. Girls these days are traders, even the boys, "Evangeline, I understand that you are upset but you should at least try and be nice to the only person you have left other than Faith. I did nothing to you and for you to talk to me like that hurts."

She stood up and left the room leaving me to sulk and feel guilty. I didn't mean to yell at her like that. I was just hurting. She was right though. I push away the people that matter most to me. Well when I say people I mean her and Faith. Those two mean the world to mean and I don't think I would still be here if they weren't here. Now that I know Lena and Daniel broke up I feel responsible. This is my fault. The only way to make them move on is for me to leave.