There's a lot of people expecting things from me. My jobs, my family, and my "friends". But I just want to let it be known that the only person (and I mean the ONLY person) who didn't play a part in this is my Dad. My Dad never hurt me in any way. Now I can't lie, he abused me physically, but never mentally. Now someone who did abuse me both physically and mentally would be my Mom. And she also knew I was depressed. And I know when she sees this she'll play the victim or whatever you want to call it. But just to let you know, she played the biggest part here. She knew I was in pain but was still my biggest abuser. It was clear I was a burden to everyone around me. And I no longer believe in God because I asked and begged to him repeatedly to give me a sign, or show me why I'm here. What was my purpose? I had none. Because if he was real, I wouldn't have these thoughts in my head and I wouldn't have suffered day in and day out. Someone wants me to die. Everyday everyone made me want to kill myself. Always in the way. People expect so much from me. "You're not worth it, you're not worth the fight."
I don't want a funeral or a memorial, I want to be cremated. None of you cared then, so don't act like you care now. I don't think I should have to write any names in here, you all know who you are and you all know what you did to hurt me. But I guess everyone else is so self-involved in their own lives to care about the feelings of others. I felt like if I ever hurt someone I'd apologize if I truly felt sorry or at least put what I'd done to hurt that person into recognition. But no one ever apologized to me, ever. Before you say it, because I know you're already thinking it, no I'm not trying to be on some "13 reasons why" type shit. I just thought it'd be nice for me to let you know that you, yes you reading this now, helped me plan my suicide. I've felt this way for years, and I've been plotting for the longest time now. I can't remember the first time I thought about killing myself, but I can tell you that whenever it did start it never stopped. I think about killing myself more than once a day. I just haven't found a way yet.
