The Struggles Of An Introverted Ambivert

CHAPTER-1

Sigh.
When I was a kid, the life I imagined I'd have was different. Waaay different. I thought I'd have had it all figured out, that I'd be the class clown and the class topper, popular with friends, family and teachers:the guy who existed only to be loved. I imagined myself being surrounded by friends and followers and of course, a beautiful girlfriend too. I thought I'd be the guy that other guys envied. Heck, I guess I thought I'd be some kind of millennial king or something.

And yet, here I am, 20 years old, miserable and knee deep in social anxiety, here to write an exam that I probably would fail had it not been for last night's all-nighter, after having skipped breakfast too to top it all off. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fact that I'm sitting next to a girl I know, paralysed in fear, thinking what in the world I should say to her to not come across as wierd or arrogant whilst being careful of the fact that, neither should I say something stupid but, as the darned perfectionist in my mind would have it, my speech and expressions should  be spot on even while I'm dealing with the fact that my hands are shaky and my heart is beating faster than the speed of light. No pressure.

Don't get me wrong, I have no romantic interest in this girl at all(even though she's cute and whatnot). Considering that I am going  through all the troubles described above for a girl i dont even like in that way, you should've figured it out by now. I am Shawn Cayden, and I am an ambiverted introvert dealing with social anxiety, failing to live up to expectations and a general extreme dislike towards life. When I think of the past I get depressed, whereas if I try to direct my thoughts towards the future, I get anxious. So I try to focus on the present because it's neither depressing not does it induce anxiety– because it's only boring and monotonous-which, I suppose, is also a problem now that this girl, Lisa, is here. Trust me, the exam is the last thing on my mind right now.
And I also want you to know that the above-mentioned reasons are exactly why I've decided to change myself. I may be a loser now but I'm in no mood to go down without a fight. After all, the "Cayden" in my name means "great fighter".These problems that I face, these....demons, I should, no, I must, conquer them. That is why I am telling you my story. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with these issues and that there are many others like me and it is to them, and for them, that I write. I speak to you now not as someone who made it and sits atop his throne victorious over whatever life's thrown at him, but as a humble and flawed fellow human being who has decided to take a stand against his own weaknesses.

Well, enough with the sentimentalities. Let's bring ourselves back to live action here. The girl...what am I supposed to do here? Normally I'd cave in to my fears, but unfortunately today happened to be the first day of the #fightson movement that I talked about earlier. So quit overthinking Shawnyboy, and just jump right into the abyss.
I glance around to make sure no one's looking( because if she decides to avoid me or not pay attention to me I want the damage to be minimal. Yes, dear reader, I probably am missing that little thing called spine), take a deep breath and turn to the girl and say:
"Hi, you're Lisa right?"
I just noticed I did some wierd waving motion with my hands that probably looked to her as though I was about to slap myself.
She turns round and smiles mildly at me. All of a sudden I'm way more self conscious  about my cystic acne( if that were even possible).
"Yeah, and you're Shawn right?"
Oh, she actually remembers my name. This socializing thing might not be that hard after all. I mean it's like just five more minutes before the exam begins so I'd just have to survive a little bit longer.
"Yeah..."
Ah, the part that I hate the most about conversation with the members of the opposite sex: the dreaded awkward silence.
I don't know if it was just a reflex action or me trying too hard, but what happened next was that I sunk to an all-time low.
"...Sooo what brings you here?"
Smooth, Shawn, very smooth. She was probably out grocery shopping at the  exam centre.
".....the exam, I guess?" She replies, kindly, but still utterly confused.
My mind just went into overdrive and I've froze. Gotta come up with something, quick! Oh, that sinking feeling!
"Ahahahahaha". Quit fake laughing too much, bro!
"Sorry, zoned out a bit there..." I reply, trying to hide the shame and embarrassment in my voice.
Oh, no.
For a moment Lisa's expression is that of absolute shock.
But now I realize she was faking it. She bursts out laughing.
"The exam's getting to you, huh?"
Unbelievable. She actually wants to carry on the conversation?
"Uh...yeah" I reply, trying to muster up a smile. The bell for the exam to begin just rang.
"Well, just do your best!" She says, flashing a thumbs up. I am flabbergasted here.
"O-Okay, you too..." I reply, somehow. I am not very good at spontaneous conversation.
She smiles genuinely at me and starts reading her questions.
I've got nothing left to say. She was... amazing. I'm not saying this because I have a crush on her or something, because again, I don't. It's not that she ain't beautiful or anything, in fact just by being her authentic kind self she became a hundred times more beautiful to me just now. No, the fact is I was expecting her to brush me off after I messed up the conversation and I know for a fact that she saw right through my fear of talking to her, because any girl would know. Yet, she chose to lift me up, instead of letting me just drown in self pity. There was absolutely no need for her to do this for me. I'd add nothing to her social status, which I could tell was pretty high, considering the amount of people that came up and talked to her as though she was their bff or something. I don't deserve to even have a crush on a girl like that. At least not like this. Not when I haven't even given my life everything I've got.

Bottom line, she was being kind to me, without needing to be. There really are people like this in the world, huh?

Well, the exam was actually a breeze, especially after the huge confidence boost I had cuz of Lisa's kindness. For the first time in many years, through the kindness of an almost stranger, something I did for the betterment of my life actually worked. I came back home, and for the rest of the day I was just...happy. It's awesome what a very simple act like understanding a person's feelings and acting accordingly can do.

Well, that concludes day 1 of my journey folks. And for all those people out there going through some or most of what I'm going through, consider me your guinea pig. I'm gonna see whether or not a hopeless person can turn his life around. I'm gonna see whether an uneventful life can be exciting. So get onboard and hold on tight brothers and sisters. We are only getting started!!!