daisies and guillotines

daisies and guillotines, like the two halves of me, or the two halves of you. Maybe the two different worlds I live in. Maybe the two different worlds love is. Maybe the two different sides he has. The two different worlds I thought were one.
why didn't you tell me the world was this cruel? why wasn't anyone there to tell me the world isn't fair?

Somewhere in this world, there is a crying girl. Every night, when everyone is asleep, she crawls into her bed, and cries. Hating the feeling of cold damp tears on her pillow, she still cries. Cuddling with a giant stuffed animal, sobbing, imagining a special, tall, warm, and loving red head, whom she knows she'll never be with. She knows the facts, she knows that her hopes and dreams are just dreams and hopes. Not reality. Not anything. Not even a spec of dust. It's nothing. And she knows. For 14 years, nothing's happened, nothing's happened. Imagining something would happen only made her depression worse. Every time she'd fall in love, or think that she would, she'd only get even more hurt. The only thing she could believe, is that she'd be alone. It's not something she wanted to believe, but it's the one thing that she knows she can believe in, that will come true. She knows her future; a lonely, dark, broke house, all by herself, pictures of K-Pop members and sexy anime boys hanging on her grey walls. People she wished she could meet, and be with.
This girl, she's smart in her ways, even though she's so freaking stupid. Stupid for once believing she'd be happy and smiling. Stupid for once believing her depression would go away. Stupid for believing the thoughts of death would slip her mind and never once come back. This girl is only smart because she knows. She's smart because she learns. She learns with every mistake life gives her, never to do it again.
1. Never to fall in love.
2. Never believe someone is going to love her.
3. Never think she won't be lonely for life.
The three main lessons life has taught her. By going by these lessons, her depression won't end, but it won't get worse either. And that's the best she can do. Because she's weak. She's a very weak girl, thinking she can be strong, even though deep down inside, she isn't. She really isn't. She's a weakling. And she knows it. But being the loser she is, she doesn't want to know. Sorry, does that make sense?

This girl is that type of girl who'd do absolutely anything to make others happy, but she won't do anything to make herself happy. She always puts others in front of her. Is that a good idea?
She's the type of girl who only cries when she knows no one can hear her. In the shower, home alone, outside, at night...just so nobody can hear her loud, screaming tears, her weakness. Everyday, when she walks into the grey, metal doors of her school that resembles a prison, she thinks, mixed feelings, "I want to be this strong girl, but I hate how people never notice how broken I am". It's always like that. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.
Even when she tries to show it, people don't seem to care, are they really that clueless? Or are they just rude?
And it's so funny, how when she laughs, she's having so much fun, laughing until you can't breathe is the best, I think. But deep down, she's actually still dead inside. Even though she feels happy. She's still dead. It's a happiness that's not real but it feels real. Like her grades. She thinks it's so good, but it actually sucks.
Her friends, so smart, but saying they're stupid.
"I only got 98%."
"Ugh, 96 is so bad."
If 96 is bad, then what's her 83%? Horrible? Failure? Disappointing? A complete waste to god and it's world? A sin to the universe?
"Oh you got 83%? Oh my god that's so good!!"
Aha, oh stfu. Be quiet. Because you make her feel stupid. More stupid than she already is. She already knows she stupid, why can't you just admit it? I'm 98% sure, just like your mark that you think is horrible, that it makes her feel less stupid if you just tell her she's stupid than sarcastically saying that her mark that is worse than yours is actually way better. See? This world makes absolutely no freaking sense. The people, their actions, their words, the society. The fkn society. I want you all, to take a moment and realize what the hell, is this horrible, terrible, society? Just take a moment, maybe even more, I just want you to think.

Done? Good, cause sorry, I'm not done. I still haven't told you about the people that live around this girl. Her parents, and sister, and more friends. Yes, she has friends but she's still lonely. Oh, and I almost forgot, aha, to add someone very horribly special; a boy.
Now this boy, oho, he's so fkn pretty. He looks like a K-pop member. This girl, still nameless for now, had a teeny crush on this beautiful boy. And that, was very rare for her, for she decided she could only fall for fictional anime boys from then on; the first time she fell in love; the first time she realized she was lonely forever. But this boy managed to catch her eyes. Yes, he was beautiful, but, however, inside, he was the most ugliest, meanest, di** in the entire world. Oops. Aha, ha, looks like she fell for the wrong boy. She should've stuck with her tall, red headed badass anime boy. But no. She was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. She kept her eye on this boy for almost half the year, his beautiful brown eyes teasing hers whenever they made eye contact. No, they never talked, if that's what you were wondering. The girl was smart enough to know he wouldn't fall for someone as stupid as her. I don't want to get into it, cause I promised this girl I would keep it a secret. And so I will. Anyways, in many stupid ways, this boy broke her heart. Everyday she saw him, it would somehow break her heart. At night, she'd cry, about the fact that this was the only boy who made her feel this way, and he wouldn't ever love her. Don't ask how she knows. She just does. No, I'm not going to explain.

That year, was the worst year of her life. Going from that boy to her parents and sister. This girl isn't close to her parents. This girl isn't close to her parents at all, even though they care dearly for her. They are surely to care if she told them her situation and her feelings about school, and her stress and depression. But so they would care, they wouldn't understand.
"Oh no, don't do that, it doesn't help."
"Try to be happy!"
"Stop that, where's it going to get you in life?"
Shit like that is what her parents would say. It's like telling someone with asthma to stop having asthma. Stupid. She just wants someone to understand her. But there's never anyone there. She wants someone she can cuddle with. She wants a boy, who loves watching anime and listening to K-pop with her. A boy who'd love her and snuggle in her neck, whispering sweet things in her ears. A tall, warm boy, who'd never care about who she really is. He'd love her for who she is. A boy who would protect her and make her laugh so hard until she can't breathe.

But that's never going to happen. No boy. Only a fictional boy named Karma Akabane. That's all she has to love. A boy who isn't even real. This girl, oh, she's so weird, this girl, oh she's so stupid, this girl, oh...she's me.

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