A Letter to My Brother

Dear Brother,

You probably don't realize this, but you must know that under my cold and distant demeanor, I've always loved you, even before you were born. 

You are the highlight of my life.  

I was five years old then. It was 1998, the nation was in a state of emergency, but our elder sister and I were still very young, so we had no idea. What we knew then was mother told us that we were going to have a brother. You would not have any idea how happy I was then, I was ecstatic!

I don't know if this was a curse or a gift, but this sister of yours has a long memory, dear brother. As long as I could remember, most of my childhood memories consist of me and our elder sister. It was always the two of us. The two of us playing houses, playing cooks, hide and seek, heena, the two of us went to our neighbor's house to steal some pandan leaves for Mom, the two of us riding bikes. 

Do you have any idea how lonely it was? Do you know that you couldn't play hide and seek with only two people? And that playing tags was a bore when it was only the two of us?

That was why the news of your upcoming birth was like an early birthday to me. No, maybe something happier than a birthday, because at that time, the idea of birthday doesn't really excite me. 

When Mom was pregnant with you, I was so happy. I was always trying to talk to you, planting my ear on Mom's belly to hear your voice, and Mom would pretend that you gave some signs that you heard me and actually tried to communicate with me to make me happier. I would always remind Mom to take the milk for pregnancy so that you would have your lunch.

The day of your birth, it was nighttime. Me, Dad, and our elder sister visited Mom in the hospital in the evening. The doctor said that you were almost due. And when it was time to leave Mom to rest, I sneak a peek at Mom's room and actually saw Mom in pain and holding her belly. You were on your way! I told that about what I saw and Dad just dismissed me. When we got home, Dad put us to bed. And in the morning when I woke up, Dad informed us that we had a baby brother, You! I was very happy and couldn't wait to meet you!

Your first year with us filled our family with nothing but joys and laughter. You were so small, so fair, and so cute. I remembered that our family's relationship with Dad's family wasn't really good, but when you were there, you created a bond that bound us together. Everybody was happy to see you, especially our grandmother, since she was the one who couldn't wait to have a grandson from Dad.

When you were six months old, you were diagnosed with an early stage of tuberculosis. Tuberculosis was something that couldn't be infected from open air, and you must've gotten it from someone else. Mom suspected that it was grandmother who infected you. Therefore she limited your visits to grandmother's home, which made grandmother very upset. She thought that Mom did it on purpose to prevent you from seeing her, when in actuality it was all to protect you, and also to protect granny because granny would be very sad if something happened to you because of her, right?

After six months of intense medication, you were healthy again, but Mom still prevents your visit to granny because granny was still suffering from tuberculosis. Granny's and Mom's relationship became severe back then, but I didn't know the details because I was still very young myself.

As you grew older, you were very spoiled, loved by your parents, and a darling to your uncles and aunts. You were still a kid so you couldn't differentiate people's attention. But when you got no attention, you would start to demand one. You were a brat, dear brother. You wailed and you cried all the time. You didn't eat much, and I know it was a battle for Mom every time she had to feed you. It was also very hard to put you to sleep, especially since you also had to nap in the afternoon. I usually spent my afternoon after school helping mom rocking you in the baby sleeper until you fell asleep before I went to study.