dichotomy ; gawsten

five

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He can't take his eyes off Awsten.

Awsten's head is turned toward Jawn. He's smiling and nodding along to whatever he's saying, listening to his rambling about the show. Curly-hair – Otto, as he introduced himself – shoots him a weird look. "Um, Geoff? You alright?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sorry." He shakes his head to clear it. "So, um, Awsten...what'd you think of the show?"

Awsten turns his head immediately. He looks right at him. Geoff feels his heart start to pick up.

He can't see you, the fuck are you freaking out for? Breathe, you useless piece of shit.

"I loved it," Awsten is saying. "Jawn and I've been friends for years, it's so cool that he's finally getting' to live his dreams. And you sounded great too." His voice gets softer at the end and Geoff swears he sees a tinge of pink flash on his cheeks. "Your lyrics are really, really amazing."

"Hey! How do ya know I didn't write those?"

"I've heard your lyrics," Awsten fires back with a laugh. "Makes me think I lost the wrong sense, honestly."

"Fuck you too, asshole." Geoff barks out a chuckle and claps Jawn on the shoulder. He feels it. The laughter swells in his chest and bubbles through his lips before he can stop it. It brings tears to his eyes.

He looks back at Awsten. He's laughing too. He reaches out, most likely to shove Jawn's shoulder from where he aims his hand, but falls a couple inches short. Jawn leans forward with a quick glance at Geoff. The smile on Awsten's face when he makes contact with Jawn's body makes him think of rainbows after storms, kids on Christmas morning, watching the sun rise each morning and set each night. It's beautiful.

He's beautiful.

"Hey um, why don't we let these two talk?" Jawn looks over at Otto. "There's something I wanted ta show you anyway."

Otto shakes his head. "Aws doesn't have his cane."

"I'll be okay," Awsten says.

"I'll help him," Geoff adds. Otto and Jawn turn to look at him and he squirms uncomfortably. "Y'know, if he needs it."

"I don't know..."

"It'll be fine," Awsten repeats. He turns his head so his lips are almost brushing Otto's ear and whispers something. Their conversation doesn't last very long. Otto communicates in hushed, seemingly angry words at first, but by the end he's smiling and nodding, squeezing Awsten's waist and then stepping to the side.

Geoff bites his lip. They're together. They have to be. He's never seen two people so close, so intimate, so comfortable, that haven't been dating. Jawn didn't introduce him because he was trying to set him up; he literally wanted him to make a friend, to have someone in his life that understands his struggle.

Geoff's heart is in his stomach. It presses painfully on the switch that sends nausea up his throat. He swallows thickly. Not now. Not now. You cannot have a panic attack right now. 

Stopitstopitstopityou'refinebreathestopityou'refine.

Jawn leads Otto over to the other corner of the room. Geoff shifts his weight from foot to foot and shoves his hands in his pockets. He can't see you he can't see any of this you're fine. He runs a hand through his hair and presses down harder on his lip. "So...do you usually have your cane with you? Or like, a dog or somethin'?"

What if he doesn't wanna talk about it what if you pissed him off what if he hates you now.

Awsten takes a tiny step backward. Geoff opens his mouth to say something but Awsten is already feeling behind him. His hand makes contact with the wall and he exhales a loud breath, taking another larger step back so he can lean against it. "I always have my cane," he says. He doesn't seem to mind the question. "Except when Otto's there. He's the only one I let lead me without it."

"How long have you guys been together?" He can taste copper now. He swallows again.

"Oh my god, no!" Awsten bursts out laughing, bringing a hand to his chest. "He's my best friend! He has a girlfriend and I'm as straight as a fuckin' bendy straw, dude."

"Seriously?" The tension explodes. Warmth. Relief. It's all too much he doesn't know what to think he feels hot there are tears on his cheeks he's so damn happy Awsten can't see him right now. "I just thought...you guys looked really close..."

Awsten smiles. "We've been best friends for like, fifteen years. He's my brother. He's all I have. But we're not dating, I promise."

"Fuck," Geoff mumbles. "I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine, dude," Awsten says. "So, how's tour been? Last show tonight, right?"

Geoff nods and then remembers that Awsten can't see that. "Yeah. It's been amazing. I'm really bummed it's over, honestly. I love performing."

"It sounds tight," Awsten replies. "I wanted to be a musician for a minute. But yknow, no one wants to look up to someone who can't even look at them." He chuckles at his own joke and flashes Geoff another smile. "S'cool that you love it so much, though."

"Y-Yeah, I guess." Awsten's phone buzzes and Geoff watches as he presses a button and then holds it up to his ear. He can faintly hear a voice, presumably telling him what the message says.

"Otto wants ta leave. I kinda interrupted his nap this afternoon and he's tired. He's a fuckin' old man, I swear." Awsten presses another button to lock his phone and pushes himself off the wall. "It was really nice talking to you, though."

Geoff doesn't let himself think about it because he knows he'll ruminate and regret later. "Do you, I mean, do you wanna hang out sometime?" He'll never need a lip piercing. The hole his teeth are wearing in his lip is big enough to stick a ring through.

"Definitely!" Awsten says. His voice is higher. He sounds excited. He proceeds to rattle off his number and Geoff frantically grabs his phone to type it in. "Text me. Or call, whatever. And I take forever to reply, warning ya in advance." He finishes speaking just as Otto and Jawn rejoin them. They're not looking at each other. Jawn's hands are shoved in his pockets and Otto is messing with his beanie.

Geoff watches him reach Awsten. He wraps an arm around Awsten's waist and moves so there's not an inch of space between their bodies. Awsten seems to melt into him. Otto says something in his ear and he reaches over to shove Jawn's shoulder again. "Text me, asshole. We'll get dinner or somethin'. You can show me more of those genius lyrics you've got hidden somewhere."

"I invite you backstage, for free, and this is how you treat me?" Jawn says. "But no, definitely, Aws." He reaches forward and pulls Awsten into a hug. "Lemme know when you're free and we'll do it."

Awsten nods. "And Geoff, nice meeting ya. We should hang if you've got a free minute."

"B-Bye," is all Geoff can stammer out. Otto helps Awsten to turn around and begins leading him toward the exit. They're already talking. He can hear Awsten laughing. It sounds like music, high-pitched and full of mirth.

"Fuck man," Jawn says from behind him. "You're in deep."