soft hearts. (s.u)

thirteen.

i was right.
stanley kept holding onto this girl he knew so long ago,
but that girl no longer existed.
she was now six feet in the ground;
dead and never coming back.
i've changed.
whether it was for the greater good or not,
i'm just not the same.
while my heart still remained soft,
my demeanor was nothing short of curt. 
i wasn't stanley's y/n anymore,
and this sudden realization broke my heart.
i so desperately wanted to be the girl he wanted,
the girl he missed.
but i couldn't be,
no matter how hard i tried.

"y/n,"
kimberly whispered too close to my face,
snapping me out of the gut wrenching thoughts.
"what?"
"i see you've been hanging out with the losers. is that why you left the group? to hang with losers?"
i could tell by her pitched tone that she was taunting me.
i laughed,
"hm. beats spending time with your boyfriend. he's so, so clingy now. let me guess, you stopped putting out?"
"you're gonna regret that, y/n. just wait. i'm going
to make you and all your friends miserable."
"promise?"
i smiled with a petty sense to my tone.
kimberly rolled her eyes and turned back around to the front of the class,
leaving me alone with my thoughts again.
***
i dropped the rock off the cliff,
watching it splash into the water beneath me.
i had thrown everything away for stanley.
and while i'll admit,
i felt more like the real me,
was he really worth it?
stanley and i hadn't talked in weeks.
we were back to fighting,
per usual.
maybe stanley and i really were toxic towards one another,
and the only was this was ever going to end was in flames.
i knew it was getting late and i should be headed home,
but i couldn't escape my parents arguing.
it seemed i had no place to go.
i could sit here for hours and allow this hurt in my heart to take me prisoner,
or go home and let the adults constant bickering drive me insane.
i couldn't win.
this irate in my veins was only growing stronger by the second.
i placed the heels of my palms to my eyes and allowed the pressure to soothe me.
"surprised to see you here."
the voice interrupted the quiet.
for a second,
i began to wonder if i had hallucinated this voice to make me feel better about my life.
only the footsteps grew closer then suddenly stopped beside me.
i opened my eyes to reveal richie tozier which sent a breathless laugh past my lips,
"i could say the same. you usually travel with the pack."
"yeah. they're all busy today with homework. bunch of pussies, right? anyways, thought i'd come and relax. but now that you're here, maybe you could help me with that."
he winked with a nudge to my shoulder.
i guffawed right in his face,
"oh my god, you're disgusting."
"yeah,"
he shrugged,
"was worth a shot. i guess i should apologize about what i said the other day. it was uncalled for."
"oh, no, you're fine. don't even worry about it."
"shush, please? let me finish?"
he spoke sarcastically,
earning a small giggle from my lips.
"it wasn't right. you're not a bitch, y/n. i apologize."
"thank you for your apology. means a lot."
"yeah, tell anyone about this and i kill you."
richie and i shared a soft laugh as one before he continued the conversation,
"none of us want to see you like that anymore, believe me. it's just difficult to see why you'd throw away all that you had for...us?"
"i missed stanley, honestly."
"so, let me get this right, you risked all that for stanley, only to ignore him?"
"i'm not ignoring him. we just...haven't talked."
"haven't talked because you won't answer him."
"okay, wow,"
i whispered and ran a hand through my hair in abrupt frustration,
"it's complicated. i want to be the perfect friend for stan, but it's just not in me anymore. i'm not...i'm not like i was back then."
"who cares? people change! stanley never wanted middle school y/n. he's definitely not middle school stanley, and luckily so. he was such a pussy back then oh my god i mean—"
"get to the point,"
i laughed with a small shove toward him.
"right, he just misses you. i mean, y/n, seriously are you brain dead or something?"
"no, i'm just not one for wishful thinking."
"well, y/n l/n, first off i'd like to say you're super hot,"
he winked while getting to his feet,
brushing the dirt off his clothes,
"and secondly, stanley has never acted this way towards someone. don't be so quick to dismiss everything."
and with that,
richie disappeared down the road and left me by myself again.
i began to wonder what richie meant by those last words.
and it hit me.
all of my prayers and dream were finally coming true.
because,
"stanley likes me."