To begin,
Long time no write.
I've been the happiest and saddest I ever have in the life in the past eight months, but I stopped writing because of someone; and I really lost myself.
I've gotten emotionally attached to some more people and it's torn me or made me.
I'm still just a sad bitch who wants nothing more than my roots to be watered and me to sprout into some beautiful gift and be fulfilled and bright.
I'm so so so empty still, and no one realizes how deep the hole really is, but I continuously try to blockade it with temporary replacements or atleast throw a blanket over it and pretend that everything is fine because no one needs to know everything isn't fine and that literally every breath I take takes so much energy and life out of me.
I've sat alone crying and cold, but I find it more common to just take a quick sit in my shower now because then no one can tell it's tears.
I'll still make jokes on any and every matter possible though because no one who's hurting me understands how fucking deep the knives they push into my skin really sting and why my bandages keep coming undone.
I'm not the victim
I'm not the bad guy.
I'm doing my best.
No one recognizes how hard I try.
How much it takes from my soul to wake up and get out of bed and do my hair and makeup to pretend that my life isn't falling into shambles and that i'm better .
How much it takes to watch everyone I care about leave and for me to constantly be stuck
I want to say therapy helps me so badly and although it is steps I can't find it in me to open up as much as I need to, to be clean and pure from this pain.
I'll carry on, I always do.
