Those You Love

Prologue

He looks so handsome, I remember thinking. He wears that suit like it was made for him, I remember thinking. I hate how I look beside him, so small and pitiful, I remember thinking. But you look so beautiful on my arm, I remember him saying.

I remember it all, really. All the memories tucked neatly in my brain. But I remember nothing quite like I remember his arm pulling me into his chest as I heard the words: We're sorry, Miss Westbrook. But your father is gone.

You get your pessimism from me, I remember my dad saying. You get your insecurities from me too, I remember him laughing. You'll never be confident and it's all my fault, I remember him crying. But I love you anyway, I remember telling him as he shook his head and disagreed. You deserved a better father and I'll always wish for you one; maybe one day when your mother moves on, she'll meet someone that can love you like I should have, I remember his note saying.

That memory simply won't stay tucked neatly away. It remains a steady, dull ache, like consistent, constant grief. I have tried to forget. Tried to not remember. But I do. I remember my knees buckling onto the concrete steps of my front porch. I remember my mother's sobs and her cursing. I remember watching her smooth the lines of her frown as she remembers I am watching. I remember her asking for a moment alone, desperate to scream and grieve only where her grief cannot add to my own.

I remember his hands on mine as I tried to read the note written in my father's handwriting. I could never forget the way he stayed silent, simply just letting me sit in my own pain, but always reminding me he was here.

I'm sorry I must leave but I'll see you again someday. You'll never be alone. I love you to the moon and back, Fay.

What I don't remember them saying is that love isn't easy. I don't remember anyone telling me that grief comes in waves and waves and waves and it will drown you in a heartbeat. I don't remember anyone warning me that clinging to a life raft will only work for so long. I don't remember anyone telling me that life rafts can drown you too. I don't remember them telling me that those who supported me through this tragedy might just be the cause of my next.

But I do remember thinking: you're hurt the most by those you love.

***

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hi babes!

It's 25-year-old Kait speaking to you now, but 17-year-old Kait wrote the majority of this novel -- at least its first publication. I've enjoyed coming back this story and visiting Fay throughout the years, and I am so proud that so many of you have loved this story too. As I continue to pop in for visits, I will be editing the story a little bit.

No major plot points will change, but if you are giving this novel a re-read, you'll notice some textual edits and some additional scenes between the characters. The heart of this story was first written by 14-year-old Kait as the first novel I ever completed. The writing was atrocious, to put it lightly. But these characters have held such a special place in my heart all these years, and I think they've settled into a permanent residency there.

My goal with any edits here is not to change the heart of the story but to improve the writing and develop the characters a bit more as well as building the relationships between the characters. This novel has been shaped by my brain but also from so many readers over the years. So please, I would love for that to continue. Please comment any suggestions, any edits, any scenes you'd like to see between characters, and any feedback you have (including constructive criticism)!

Remember, it's not a bad life, just a bad day.

I love you all so much! (: xx