Shadow || h.s. (English Version)

Chapter 1

My name is Samantha.

I hate my name, so all those who know me call me Sam, Sam Tomlinson.

I will never set a description, It won't be useful and I hate my body with all of me.

In my life I always had to deal with tough times so that I'm prepared for the 'not so simple' years ahead of me, I have built on me a shield strong enough to endure all the misfortunes that have fucking happened to me.

To begin with, I have neither father or mother, I've lived for six years in an orphanage with hypocritical people who still feel the need to call it "Home", I can tell you, an orphanage is neither a house nor a family, it seems more like a huge deposit of object , for the less fortunate than the others, the unused, foolish, forgotten ...

I was always told that my parents died in a car accident when I was very small ... Bullshit ... I never believed it for a second, if it were true that still dare to foist, I would remember their faces, I would have in my memory the picture of their faces, a picture of a happy moment, maybe discoloured, maybe scratched, marred by the time ...

I remember perfectly the day I left that place, I was only six years old, yet I had already had three experiences that went bad and they always said: "She's a very pretty girl but I do not think it would fit our style of life " and the volunteers did their best to reassure them that I did not have an easy character, that for sure one day I would find who would "support" me, so I was a little wrong, the basic problem was me, my birth, the death of my parents, the three families who wanted to adopt me, but they abandoned me thanks to my "shit character."

Things changed when a September morning another family came to the institute.  There was a mum, a dad and two children, a girl and a boy who was the youngest out of the two, I was colouring my uniform skirt ( a red skirt, white blouse and a blue polo jacket)  and I was cutting the hair off my companion's  doll, I did it out of spite, no one had ever wanted to be my friend there.

The little girl began to play with all my other companions and for a while the small boy played with them too, then noticing that I was alone in a corner, he came towards me. 

"Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you coming to play with us?"

I looked up at the person who had dared to disturb me in one of my many moments of wicked creativity, his blue eyes were fixed on me, and a smile stood out on his face which was almost contagious but shook my head, causing him to lower his gaze on the Barbie I had shaved unjustly, he knelt down next to me perhaps trying to make contact, poor deluded boy, who did not know that with me it was like looking for a needle in a haystack:

"Louis-Pleased to meet you."  But what did he want? I did not understand why he tried to talk to me even though it was obvious that it was not my intention to talk with him, but refused to let himself not win:

"What's your name?"

"Samantha ...."

I whispered under my lips and he seemed very satisfied with my answer, I wanted to immediately take back those words, he would surely continue to talk to me, if I had not responded probably would have given up and would have gone:

"Samantha? It 's a beautiful name! Do you like it?"

He asked me without looking at me, was what struck me most of all, was that he was not staring at me, didn't judge me, he behaved with me in a normal way, as usually you would find between boys and girls:

"No-I do not like it."I said. I was becoming curious, I really wanted to find out what that child was going to tell me. 

"We can give you a nickname!"

  He seemed to have had a brilliant idea and was very proud of his idea, I looked at him with an air of sufficiency but he was always on the enthusiastic side that I liked so much

"Sammy ... Anthy ... Do you like  Sam? " He asked me.

I loved that nickname but I didn't want him to know that, but his joy was contagious but to impress me he needed to do something else. I nodded.

"Want to come play with me Sam? " He asked me this time more compassionately, which is a terrible mistake on his behalf, I have always hated this kind of people.

"No," I said without looking up from the  doll. He didn't seem to be hurt, he was a boy that is too determined to give up at the first shot, perhaps it's  this persistence that saved me:

"Why? Look, you will have fun!"  I was furious at that point, but because he wouldn't understand that I did not want to play, that I wanted to be left alone, that I don't think about what I'm doing. I spat on his cheek like a bullet, and he immediately hurried to cover his cheek.

"Samantha!" The social worker was already desperate, and asked for forgiveness to the family coming towards me that I was already pulling back, pushing with the hands, Louis came between me and the whore, laying his hands on:

"No! She's no longer called Samantha, she doesn't like Samantha!"

He then looked back at me.

"Her name is Sam ... " Immediately I realized that actually no one had ever asked me what I liked, no one had ever tried to figure out what I thought of things, no one had ever asked my opinion. Louis was was the first:

"Mum" Louis glanced at the woman who looked aghast at me.

"Can Sam come home with us?"

From there it all began, the Tomlinson took me with them and apparently it worked because now I'm eighteen years old and they still haven't taken me back.

I let myself go gradually, now I have four younger sisters, but with I don't share with none of them the close relationship that I have with Louis, he saved me, he knows more about me than anyone else, and for the first time he was able to look inside me.

I never missed anything when I was with them, I've always had all the love that a child can have, in the early days it was not easy at all, I ended up in a fight at school almost every day and my mother came to pick me up to take me home.  She always knew it wouldn't  be easy, she proposed to invite my friends home, to birthday parties, to have a snack with classmates after school, and in spite of everything she's never been mad at me for my  NO's  at her every single proposal.

The situation has improved over the years, we have formed a strong bond and after, Louis is definitely the one who understands me more than anyone, then with my father I wasn't so close, not even with Louis' biological father, so I'm not worried by the relationship between his dad and I. 

During adolescence I had to overcome many difficult obstacles, first  bulimia and anorexia later, I was cutting because I hated my body, I thought it was the only solution, I wanted to tear it apart, inflicting all the evil that he brought him to me. it's a strange thing; the human mind, inflicting pain on ourselves just because it seems the only way to suffer less, blaming ourselves is easier than blaming others, provoking pain is like having the feeling stop when we please, shame it's not like that.. Pain is like a seed, it takes very little to cultivate and grows dramatically.

Fortunately I managed to free myself from this situation, especially thanks to Louis, more than the rest who have tried helping me, who has always saved my ass whatever I did.. In a nutshell this is me, my story can be compared to many others and isn't even as interesting as you might expect probably, as you see, I'm not an easy girl and I don't ever want to be, but perhaps that's the best thing you can hold onto, by believing .... Just believing ... And I finally believe it.

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Just let me know what ya think about the chapter! x