Pagsapit ng Ala Una

Alone or lonely

"So, are you alone or lonely?"

"I don't know."

Alone is where you're just by yourself and you're fine with it. It's just like how I was before we met. Before I saw you.

I was content with myself, with my own presence. It was as if it was fine with me that the only person I would travel to the future with will still be... me. How redundant hahaha.

I would be just content with the stars at night, with the clouds shifting ever so slowly to the other ends of the earth and the gleamy city lights from afar in the background. And so is the same during the rainy nights and days where I would just be content with a cup of coffee or hot cocoa, a sweater, adequate music, an easy pen and paper and a good book to drown my thoughts in.

How right it felt to be alone...

Before you came along.

The first time we spoke, we didn't know the right words to say. It were just casual questions and awkward laughter. Your usual first conversation with a stranger.

But what struck to me was not during that little talk, it was after.

After the few moments we shared together, I felt... numb.

Do you know that specific feeling when there are just too much emotions spiralling around you and your thoughts that you just become numb from trying to understand each single one of them?

It was just like that.

But there was one thing I was certain of.

If easy hello's, hi's and uneasy chuckles were what I needed to talk to you, then so be it. It wasn't enough.

For the first time, I wasn't content with myself knowing that we could have conversed more or something. I wasn't content with only having such tiny little fractions of your being such as your name and how you're feeling now and today the only things I know about you. And I wasn't content with the small laughter and the modest smiles you gave me.

For once after a talk that only lasted a few seconds, I wanted to be the reason behind someones smile. I wanted to be the cause of their joy and laughter, I wanted to be one of the reasons why they still wake up in the morning, ready to fight for another day. I wanted to know someone more than just their name, I wanted to know someone as much as I know myself.

I wanted to know your purest perfections and your darkest flaws and how they fit oh so perfectly together. A chaos or not, I know I would still be willing to venture around your labyrinth of a mind and to unlock the gates of your heart to finally set it free from a once unsettled past. I want to be that person that would give meaning to the word 'love' for you.

For once, I wanted someone to be by my side. I needed someone to be by my side.

It went to the point were the stars weren't enough. It was as if there should be a hand holding mine in the light of night and the moon came with it. It was as if in the time of rain not only did I need a cup of cocoa or a good book but I also needed a person to be right there beside me to whom I could expressively share my thoughts with let it be in the manner of talking or being in place with each other's serenity in silence.

I want your features to be the first thing I wake up in the morning to and the last thing I would memorize before I doze off into another land.

I want to be the one to protect you at all costs, even if it means my life. I want to be the one to guard your heart, even if I was the only threat.

I want to complete all your 3 am thoughts no matter how crazy they can be. I want to be the person you speak of and read about. I want to be your friend. I want to be the one you go through everything with. I want to be the one who wipes off your tears let it be from pain or laughter.

I wanted to be what you needed.

For the first time in a long time, after a small chat with someone I just knew for a couple of weeks, taught me how to be lonely.

To be lonely in a way that the next time I would feel content is whether you would allow me to.

"What kind of answer is that?"

I chuckled.

"I don't know either."