Thoughts on You. |Andley|

15. I Bet You Never Cared, I Knew You Never Cared

Property of the National Mental Health Hospital of Ohio

Session Recording on Patient DE82

September 14, Columbus, Ohio, 2017

"Andrew, you've been abnormally quiet today. What's on your mind?"

"You've left nothing to be in my mind!"

"Have we not been over this? Staying awake at night and focusing on those who hurt you, is not going to do you any good!"

"You've said that before..."

"Have I?" a humming noise follows that sentence, "Well then, let's go back to the assignment I have given you..."

"I'm struggling with that 'assignment' for over a month!"

"I was not expecting you to have it figured it out already. As you can imagine, this is no cookie-cutter process, for some it takes weeks, for some others months if not years!"

"And some even die with it."

"That's an unfortunate truth, but you shouldn't worry yourself with that. You're in good hands." clears throat, "So, did you think about it?"

"I did."

"You don't appear eager to share your thoughts with me..."

"Fine. I didn't. What's the point? What's the point of anything?"

"You're asking a rather deep question Andrew, I don't think I can give you a convincing answer." a chuckle follows that statement, it's brief and rough, but it doesn't sound forced.

"It's not that hard to admit, there is none!"

"I have to disagree with you there, I'm afraid. I happen to believe that each one of us has their own purpose. Mine is to provide for my family, raise my sons to be good men, help my patients overcome their struggles and reintegrate into society... I believe in having a purpose, a point in life, it pushes you in the right direction, even when you feel you're completely lost!"

"I don't think I was given one then."

"It's easy to see how you've come to that conclusion, feeling as if you've built your life on broken bones, viewing life as something you have to endure and your choices as completely pointless! Ashley has had a lot to do with the development of that belief, if I'm not mistaken..."

"Don't mention him!!" a loud bang interrupts the recording momentarily, "He- he's a demon! He's not real!"

"Andrew, please! We've been over this before, calm yourself, mimic my breathing if you feel the need to."

"There, much better! Now, would you like to explain the thought process behind that conclusion?"

"I-I think of him and it all goes cold. I feel it, his betrayal! His-his words..."

"Andrew, I need a clear indicator that you are starting to make the distinction between reality and hallucinations. If you don't have that yet, that's completely understandable, but don't fool yourself with assumptions and generalizations!"

"So he is hallucination?"

"That's not what I said."

"He-he isn't?"

"That's not what I'm saying, either."

"Why don't I see him anymore?"

"Andrew you are taking antipsychotics, they're meant to play a significant factor in reducing hallucinations. However, it is through therapy that you can truly be grounded back into reality."

"But I stopped seeing him before I was brought here!"

"Yes."

"It was the night that... He looked so broken, it was the first time I ever saw him lose his composure like that. I don't know how he faked it so well... He asked that same question, 'What's the point?' and I think he too believes that for people like him and me there is none! I bet he never cared about me!"

"Oh Andrew, you don't need to wait for a higher power to assign a purpose to you, like most people do! You can decide on your own what's it going to be and make your own path! It's not too late!"

"Why can't you see that you're wasting your time? Why can't you just tell me? All this dwelling, going over the things he's told me over and over, telling you things you know already, it's not going to help me fight him!"

"You feel the need to fight him?"

"I tried not taking the sleeping pills you've given me, I can't sleep and even when I do take them I can never feel at ease! I can feel an inkling in the back of my mind, memories threatening to spill out, from the atrocities he and I have committed no doubt! I have to remember and break his influence, how will he hate that!"

"That is an abnormally vengeful goal to set..."

"This is doing nothing for me! It only pushes me further into the web he's spun me into!"

"Andrew, listen to yourself! You just used a metaphor, a complex figure of speech. From my point of you that is an improvement in your condition, a step in the right direction!"

"That is not enough! Could you at least give me a hint?"

"Oh Andrew, these wounds will open, like lines in the sand... When you least expect them, I wish I could say more."

"Sometimes I wonder if you're real!" 

A/N I haven't had the chance to listen to the full new album yet, but I did see the video for Wake Up. Isn't the video so this fic's aesthetic?