(I'm not thinking straight right now. Half awake. I've got a story on my mind for awhile that I want to share. So here it goes :/ )
"heavier than any stone, emptier than a hole,
None wish to get it, but it eats at every soul"
"Dear diary, today was just another bad day. I feel so alone, worthless, mad, stupid, insignificant. i don't know what to do. I just feel so out of place. Like I don't belong here. I just wanna run away from here, or be alone, lock myself in my house, away from everyone. Nobody understands me. No one knows what it feels like when nothing is alright. No one knows how it feels like to be me. I feel absolutely lost and dead. I feel like breaking down, but I no tears come. I'm desperate to find something worth living for before everything is over. I'm tired of everyone being fake, I'm tired of everyone, everything. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to do this anymore. Goodbye? I don't know."
My head is so messed up. I don't know what to do. I need help. soon. everything is just falling apart.
I make my way to my dressing table, I need something to take my pain away. there's nothing there. Only the stuck, left over tears manage to escape. the anger tears run down both of my cheeks. I don't want to do this anymore. I wipe my tears and make my way downstairs, to find my parents watching tv together. "Oh, Tracey, you're still awake? Are you okay?" "I'm fine mum, just couldn't sleep, so I came down" I lied. "Why don't you sit with us?" her peaceful smile... I had to fight my tears. "ok.." "come sit in between us" I missed us watching tv together. After awhile I realised this moment won't last forever. I'll have to face tomorrow and every other day if I didn't make my move today. I felt sick thinking about it. But it's the only way out. "What's wrong honey? Everything okay" my mum looked so concerned, I felt bad. "I... I'm.... I'm just tired. That's all" I lied again. "Oh, why don't you sleep then?" she placed a kiss on my forehead, I wanted to tell her the truth that I won't be here tomorrow. I couldn't take this anymore. I hugged her for a few minutes. "Oh! I haven't got a hug from you ever since you went to high school!" She was so happy to receive my....last... hug. I turned over to face my dad, I leaned forwards hugging him. he moved his arms, wrapping them around me. After so long! I've missed this so much. "Everything okay trace? Out of the blue?" dad looked concerned but also happy. "I love you mum and dad" I had this big lump in my throat. " We love you to sweetie" mums soft hands running down my hair... dad hugging my tighter. I didn't want this moment to end. I got up standing in front of them. "mum, dad I love you both. you guys are the best parents. goodbye. I'm off to bed" when I walked off behind them, I turned around watching them cuddle up on the sofa... "everyone will be better off without you" the voice inside my head speaks again. I make my way to the kitchen... there's a knife on the counter. I grab the knife making my way to my room.
I sat on my bed closing my eyes. the tears won't stop flowing. I grab my notebook and pen. "Dear mum and dad. I love you both, but this world is too cruel. I can't stay here. Everyone is so fake. Their fake smiles. I know everyone hates me. They call me worthless, useless, pointless, waste of space. If everyone knew everything I do in my room to hide the pain, I bet they would change. I'm sorry. You both look so happy together when I left the living room. I'll be watching you from above. It will be much better up there. I hope. I love you both. Please forgive me. I'll be with you. In your heart I hope. see you up there. Tracey x" I took a few painkillers. Grabbing the knife, I found relief in it, it pierced through my wrist, the blood flows out just like my tears. All alone. Left alone to deal with all the pain, sorrow relief. Biting my lips hard, just to forget the bleeding and pain. My vision is getting heavier. I look at the time 00:00 with my last bit of energy, with my blood I write on my suicide note "00:00". I start to panic at what I have done. There's no going back now. "Help m..."
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