dreamland (bill skarsgard one shots)

15. a time to let go

WARNINGS: angst

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You were holding your breath. It was caught within your chest, you couldn't let it go, just like the pair of hands you held in your own. Strong, warm, familiar. You could never, would never, forget what they felt like.

He was trembling, but so were you. His eyes were shining as brightly as the stars above your head, but they were not shining with joy. They were shining with tears, threatening to spill down his rosy cheeks, to mar his beautiful face with the essence of his heartbreak.

You could already feel the distance between you, mountains growing, valleys spanning. Soon, you would be worlds apart, and you weren't sure that you were ready for it. Yet here you were, about to let go of him, about to let those mountains and valleys separate you.

He held your hands tighter, and you choked on the lump that had formed in your throat, like a string of leather knotted over. He was silently begging you not to let go, but you knew, in your heart, that you had to do this. It was for the best, that was what you'd convinced yourself.

Unfortunately, it hurt worse than you ever could have imagined.

It was hard to imagine how it had all been before this moment. You were so far removed from that carefree happiness, that stage of young love and devotion. It all seemed like something from a storybook now. And maybe that's what it was, just a story, a fabrication of what you believed yourselves to be. Happy? Had that been what you really felt? Or had it all been a lie?

Bill knew it wasn't. There were many things he was not certain of in life, but this he did know: he loved you. Beyond measure, beyond comprehension. But he was realizing now that just his love hadn't been enough. You'd needed more, and he'd failed to see that until it was too late.

It had all begun to fall apart at the seams months ago. His absence, stretching over long periods of time, had taken the greatest of tolls on you. You'd told yourself that you could deal with it. After all, this came with the territory. His work kept him away, there was nothing he could do about that, and you were understanding of that fact, truly.

But you were alone on your end. Looking back on it, you knew the timing wasn't right. You were just finishing your last year of university - a degree in education. You were on different sides of the world, in vastly different time zones, going after dreams that were not meant to be intertwined.

You struggled greatly while he was away. No one was there to quiz you on your studies, or cheer you on, or encourage you. Bill, in turn, was struggling as well. His struggles were weaved in with loneliness. He did not like being alone, he'd decided. He liked company, liked voices and laughter to distract him from the silence. He liked liveliness, and right then, at that point in his life, he had none of that.

He was living out his dream, yes. And he would not trade that for anything in the world. But it was a rather dismal process. He missed you so badly, it put a constant ache in his chest. When he needed you most, which was normally after a day of filming, you were not there. You were sound asleep, safe in your bed, while he was holed up in a sparsely furnished apartment with the television playing in the background to provide noise.

He fell asleep on a couch that was too small for him and woke up with a crick in his neck. He was tempted to pretend to be sick and call in to set, telling them he wouldn't be there. But he wasn't one to be difficult, and he didn't want to slow down production schedule. So on he went.