Edward Elric and the Philosopher's Stone

Honestly, I'm Not Sure What This Is Or What Its Purpose Is

"Good evening, Mr. Elric," scoffed Professor McGonagall as she slapped the letter onto the breakfast table, rattling each and every glass set upon it. "I suppose you have some semblance of an idea as to why I'm here?"

"Where the hell did you come from?!"

She ignored his question. "I am here on behalf of Hogwarts to confirm that you are actually still alive. You have not responded to a single letter in nearly a year's time."

"Well, what the hell was I supposed to do?! Chase down an owl, tackle it to the ground, and tie on a response?! Those things are freaking aggressive!" Ed countered. He was feeling particularly vulnerable right then, as he was only wearing his boxers and a tee-shirt, and was more or less weaponless, unless one considered a spoon a viable bludgeoning device.

Ed did not happen to consider spoons viable bludgeoning devices.

Smart choice, Ed. People who attack witches with spoons seldom live to tell the tale.

McGonagall wasn't paying him any attention. "Come now, we have to go get your school supplies."

"So I don't even have a choice about going to this crazy magic school?!"

"No, you do not. I don't understand why you're so reluctant. You've been practicing magic all your life, how is this any different?"

"I'm an alchemist, not a wizard! There's a difference!"

McGonagall sighed. "I was warned about this sort of thing. I understand that alchemy is a sort of mainstream science in this country, however, that is not the entire truth. It is a division of a study that cannot be understood by the ungifted— magic."

Ed cursed. "Damnit, Al. You were right!"

The younger brother poked his head into the room. "May I ask who this is?"

"Honestly, I don't even know. She just appeared in the fireplace and that made me spill my oatmeal on myself."

The witch rolled her eyes. "My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall, and I teach Transfiguration at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Hogwarts? Big brother, wasn't that the name of that place that sent you all those weird letters?"

"Yes, Al, yes it was. And she's dragging me back with her. Joy." Ed let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't see why I need I learn all this crazy magic stuff. I already know alchemy, and I think I'm about set with that."

The professor looked surprised. "Why settle for mediocrity when one can be something far greater?"

Ed snorted. "I'm not exactly settling, lady. I'm going to be a state alchemist, and take full advantage of all the resources that come with it!"

"I see," stated McGonagall simply. "And why do you wish to be a state alchemist?"

Ed hesitated. "Well, um, you see, ma'am, the thing is..."

"The point, Mr. Elric. I am still waiting for the point."

Ed sighed. He would have to tell her the truth sooner or later, if she dragged him off to that school and continued to be this pushy. "I want to get my brother and I back to normal. Back to the bodies we were born with. A long time ago, we weren't trapped in these steel prisons, we didn't have to fear the water or the cold or hydrogen peroxide, and I just want to go back to those carefree days, when we were still children, in body and mind, before we saw the horror of what we had done... I'm sorry, I'm probably not making any sense." He subconsciously rubbed at his right shoulder, the spot where metal met flesh, running his palm over the stark transition that, even after all this time, he still wasn't completely used to. It was oddly satisfying, in a sort of grotesque way.