sick. - Evak

Don't Jump ●Even●

"How was it?" Sonja greets

"Ehh" I reply and sneakily throw the blunt in the garbage bin.

I take a seat and sprawl my legs across the circular dining table. Who cared at this point? Neither of us. We both felt trapped in this unwanted relationship and it was tearing me apart from the inside out. Love didn't exist between us anymore.

I felt bad at this point. Endless attempts of her trying to get us to go on more dates. Still, the excuses came between us. Work, school, therapy, there was always something in the way. Any excuse at this point.

"Even?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you just talk to me for once?"

"About what?" I mumble.

"This. What even is this? We never talk, I feel like you hate me."

Her eyes started to water and the sadness took over her entire face. She angrily tried to hold them in as she let a teardrop run down her cheek and then quickly wiped it away with her sleeve.

"Hey" I whisper, placing my hands over hers.

My emotions diminished.

I didn't feel anything inside.

"I don't hate you, I never have," I say reassuringly.

"What do you want to eat? I need to get out of the apartment."

Sonja abruptly stands up from the table and grabs the keys lying on the couch.

"Sonj-"

The door slams shut before I can get anything out of my mouth.

I already screwed up this relationship, everyday it felt as if we were a sinking ship. Slowly making our way towards the bottom of the ocean floor.

I retrieve my blunt from the trash and fetch a light hidden in one of the cupboards.

I wasn't a sociopath, I was in love with her for years. Love diminishes and there's no getting around that. Sometimes I felt as if she was going to crack the truth out of me. That I don't feel the same way about her anymore. That I stopped enjoying our late night conversations or sharing the bed together. But I didn't dare, I didn't dare speak the truth and break her heart. I knew exactly how that felt and didn't want her to ever feel the same.

The only thing I could think of doing was finishing homework that I hadn't gotten to. Norwegian was my subject, I always connected with it and couldn't wait to read or write. Our recent assignment was to write a paper on our self discovery.

If anyone asked, I couldn't tell them who I was. I knew she wouldn't take "emotional wreck" or "I don't know" as an answer. Either way, the first answer was the closest thing to who I am. Whatever that meant.

As I stuck my hands inside the bag to retrieve my journal, my fingers slid across a smooth surface. A book. Isak's book.

I slowly grabbed the hardcover book and to my surprise, not much damage was done. The pages had become warped and some were smeared. For the most part, it was actually readable.

As i skim through the chapters, i read the different notes written onto the pages. Across the pages were scrawled messages i could somewhat read out. "Take risks, but don't jump." Some of them didn't seem to make sense to me, but i kept on gently turning each piece of paper.

"Your life is important" Was written down 3 times at the end of chapter 12

"For Eva"

"You're loved, remember that"

I skim through the book until I reach the back page. "I'm sick." Was faintly written in the margins. My heart sunk as I immediately shut the book. I've been there. I am there.

Is he okay? What is this? He's broken...

Every thought started to fill my brain. I tried to chase every word out of my head, but it wouldn't go away.

How was I supposed to face him the same way during therapy tonight? I made a huge mistake and I can't take it back.