Little Things

No Trust For the Broken

Trust. How can something so strong be so fragile? How can the ability to trust be ripped from a person? How can trust never be gained again from one little lie?

Here I am. I am me. And my story leaves no room for trust. My story leaves no room in the cracks filled to the brim with all the secrets I carry. They weigh me down like boulders wanting to do everything they can to meet with gravity. Their secret affair.

Sometimes they can't see each other. And the weight is a little less. Sometimes they need to see each other and on those days, it feels too much to stand.

I have put all my trust into people to have other people rip it away or for them to look me in the eye while they break it. I don't want the ability to feel.

I don't want to feel as my heart breaks into pieces from another untrustworthy person. The only solution is to leave everyone.

No one is safe from the fragility of trust. As you watch the pieces crumble, spread around your feet like it was raining. I have looked down to see the glass too many times.

And yet I love to trust. I love to find the best in people. Because I want people to see the best in me.

I don't want to be seen as stupid. Yet that's how I feel every day of my life. I don't want people to see me as ugly. Yet I can never feel beautiful for the life of me. I don't want to be seen as fragile, yet all I am is glass. The glass that builds up that trust to give it to the next person willing to break it while I watch and hide my tears as it cuts me from head to toe.

I guess in a world like this you can never really trust anyone. You can only expect them to be the worst thing you can ever imagine. And I guess it's time I learned that.

So, from now on, I will keep my mouth shut, as if they were plied together with metal. I will look at everyone through a one-way mirror. I will give them the impression that I am the mighty statue that towers over them, while I secretly cower behind it.

I will not give anyone the power to break me from this day forward. Because to trust, is to invite them to do their worst. I don't want their worst. I want my sanity.

I will give myself the costume of a mighty dragon, while I am the terrified princess hiding inside.

No one will dare to let me put my trust into them again.

I will not dare to see the best in people, from this day on.

original. 1/16/18