dear.....me?
theres no one to really address this one to
i just needed to write this.
so my past has been eating at me lately
like it always has, ust lately it's been worse.
ive been doubting my friends a lot
my trust issues have been really bad lately
i even refused to look at the person sitting next to me in class today because i didnt trust them.
i dont know whats happening
but i want it to stop.
also my "mom friend" instincts have been pretty high lately as well
and i feel like my friends are annoyed because they think im being overprotective
and i dont want to lose friends because im being an idiot
not again
but i also feel like they're lying to me to make me feel better and i dont want that
someone lying was another part of my trust issues
i just want them to be honest
if im annoying, please tell me, because ill stop
if you want me to back off, tell me, because ill stop
if you dont want to be friends anymore, tell me, i dont want you to feel like you have to be my friend
if it makes you happy, it makes me happy
im just scared my trust issues will ruin a friendship
they almost have many times before
it could be the stupidest thing that could trigger them
like once my friend went to high five me and then dabbed as a joke but went to high five me again but my brain made me overthink it and i refused
all my friends kept saying "come on coryn, just high five her, its not that hard"
but it was hard for me
because of these stupid thoughts.
i think i made her cry
and i never forgave myself.
i do wonder what life is like without trust issues
letting your friends know your phone password
letting your friend use your phone without you watching them like a hawk
being able to tell them secrets
all without having a panic attack while doing so.
i think my trust issues play a big part as to why im such an introvert and why i dont talk at school
i feel like i dont trust myself to answer right
then i dont trust others not to make fun of me.
i almost cried the other day when a teacher called on me and i didnt have an answer
luckily the lights were off and there were only candles so no one saw
but whenever a teacher calls on me,
even if i have my hand up,
this giant shock like thing goes through my body and then im in extreme pain all over but i know i cant do anything about it so i just push through it
i wonder if theres a term for that
i havent been to any therapists or anything
just the thought of them makes me want to cry
but i dont
i never cry
im not allowed.
so im gonna guess some of my friends are gonna find this and read it
Im not the most psyched for that
but if any of them do
they may ask "how can i help?"
and my answer is
not much to be honest
just tell me the truth if you still want to be my friend
i may not believe you, sorry, trust issues
i mean, theres not much else
maybe if you ask for my phone or something and i give you a worried-like look, maybe dont push it
like i said, theres not much that can help me
also dont mention this to my parents, theyll probably yell at me for lying or something
or any teachers
that would s t r e s s m e o u t
so i guess thanks for reading?
i know this was long and im sorry
I just had to get that out.
until next time
~coryn
YOU ARE READING
letters to the unknown
Acakletters to friends and foes that never were sent nor never will be sent