letters to the unknown

~six~

dear.....me?

theres no one to really address this one to

i just needed to write this.

so my past has been eating at me lately

like it always has, ust lately it's been worse.

ive been doubting my friends a lot

my trust issues have been really bad lately

i even refused to look at the person sitting next to me in class today because i didnt trust them.

i dont know whats happening

but i want it to stop.

also my "mom friend" instincts have been pretty high lately as well

and i feel like my friends are annoyed because they think im being overprotective

and i dont want to lose friends because im being an idiot

not again

but i also feel like they're lying to me to make me feel better and i dont want that

someone lying was another part of my trust issues

i just want them to be honest

if im annoying, please tell me, because ill stop

if you want me to back off, tell me, because ill stop

if you dont want to be friends anymore, tell me, i dont want you to feel like you have to be my friend

if it makes you happy, it makes me happy

im just scared my trust issues will ruin a friendship

they almost have many times before

it could be the stupidest thing that could trigger them

like once my friend went to high five me and then dabbed as a joke but went to high five me again but my brain made me overthink it and i refused

all my friends kept saying "come on coryn, just high five her, its not that hard"

but it was hard for me

because of these stupid thoughts.

i think i made her cry

and i never forgave myself.

i do wonder what life is like without trust issues

letting your friends know your phone password

letting your friend use your phone without you watching them like a hawk

being able to tell them secrets

all without having a panic attack while doing so.

i think my trust issues play a big part as to why im such an introvert and why i dont talk at school

i feel like i dont trust myself to answer right

then i dont trust others not to make fun of me.

i almost cried the other day when a teacher called on me and i didnt have an answer

luckily the lights were off and there were only candles so no one saw

but whenever a teacher calls on me,

even if i have my hand up,

this giant shock like thing goes through my body and then im in extreme pain all over but i know i cant do anything about it so i just push through it

i wonder if theres a term for that

i havent been to any therapists or anything

just the thought of them makes me want to cry

but i dont

i never cry

im not allowed.

so im gonna guess some of my friends are gonna find this and read it

Im not the most psyched for that

but if any of them do

they may ask "how can i help?"

and my answer is

not much to be honest

just tell me the truth if you still want to be my friend

i may not believe you, sorry, trust issues

i mean, theres not much else

maybe if you ask for my phone or something and i give you a worried-like look, maybe dont push it

like i said, theres not much that can help me

also dont mention this to my parents, theyll probably yell at me for lying or something

or any teachers

that would s t r e s s m e o u t

so i guess thanks for reading?

i know this was long and im sorry

I just had to get that out.

until next time

~coryn