Pick and Mix

Letters

I don't know if this letter is filled with love, hatred or regret. At this point of life, I don't even seem to know anything besides you. Like a cursed train, I always end up on the same road that leads me to you. I'm sick of it, yet my mind is never tired of thinking of you. Not even drugs could be so intoxicating as the thought of you.

Why do I always come back to you?

I'll walk away. Take my pride and everything I've given to you. After a day or two, I'll laugh. That was easy, wasn't it? I start to wonder why I was so worried and why I didn't leave earlier until it hits me.

It's sudden. The pain is always sudden. I would be half asleep, thinking of what I
last ate and what would happen tomorrow when you'll come. Even when I want to forget you, something always comes up. Something always reminds me of you when I just thought I got you out of my mind. Even when you're not with me, you haunt in me in my dreams and remind me of what could have been. You mock me, even when you aren't here.

Your memories haunt me. They tease me. They hide in corners, waiting for me to accidentally call them out. I'll sit here, talking about something mediocre and suddenly I'll remember you liked that thing. I'll tap my foot impatiently, and remember you did the same thing when you were anxious. Somehow, your memories come up when I don't even want them to appear. You're a song on repeat that I can't get out of my head. You're a drug that my body keeps on reminding me about.

I don't even try and yet here you are. I want to know you. I want to know the sadness behind your eyes - I want more than the happiness on your lips and the tired eyes of yours. I want it all; the happiness, the sadness, the love and the passion. At the same time, I want none of it because I know I deserve better than a half secret of a man.

I want you out. How do you do this? How can you manage to stay away from me yet here with me? How do you linger here and make a home out of my mind when you know you're not welcome here? I want you out. I want you to move out of my mind just like you moved out of my life.

I keep on telling myself that I was too good for you. That you didn't matter and that I deserved better, that you were an idiot and I was a bit of an idiot too and the timing was wrong and you never cared about me anyways . . . but the more I think, the more insane I go. I don't want to think of what went wrong. I don't want to think of you, of your face, of the jokes you made and dumb things you did. I don't want to know what you're doing yet I still find myself listening to my friends gossiping about you. I find myself feeling sympathy for you when I shouldn't. I don't want you in my life. I don't want to feel any sort of emotion towards you yet I do every time.

I find myself running away from you whenever I see you. It's hard to look you in the eye. How does a person talk to someone they knew so well who has become a stranger? How did I go from knowing everything in your life to this? To a stranger?

I find myself forgetting about you only to have my mind bring you back and it just feels like I'm walking in circles. Round and round, where I walk around and tell myself that I have healed and had closure until you come back.

I don't want to see you. I don't want you near me. I don't want to think of you. My mind betrays me every time, thinking of you every once in a while and teasing me with memories of the past but my heart knows better. It knows I deserve better than you, and I'm going to listen to her.

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tell me if u liked the chapter/writing style please?

also this has been in my drafts for so long that i don't even know if it's edited or not. whatever. enjoy.

ok bye!