Pick and Mix

i wish

I wish I could look at you and tell you I regret it all.

I don't.

How could someone regret this beautiful mess? How does someone regret love itself? I don't regret my heart blossoming, my smiles blooming and my hands in your hair, like roots in the ground. You bring me to the earth, you remind me of grassy hills and blue skies. You are the world to me.

You are the sun. Without you, I can't breathe. There isn't a second of peace here, without you. Without the sunlight kissing the moon, the moon goes into darkness. The moon is lost without the sun, and the sun is only in love with the moon because it sees itself. You've only ever loved me for what I can do. And it's okay, as long as you love me and never forget about me. I'll reflect all the sunlight you have and be your mirror, just as long as I can bask in summer all year long.

Summer fades. It always makes me sad to see Summer clinging to Autumn, seeping into months it shouldn't be. It makes me sad when it disapears too, because it's unfair. I want to bask in summertime with the color red of lipsticks, dresses and curls my fingers wrap around. I want summer to linger. I want to be more than a fling. I want to bask in sunlight with you, for the rest of my life.

But you don't. All you see is dollar signs. You don't see me. You don't care for me, you tell me everything was meaningless and that all our moments together should be forgotten. You've replaced the photos of us with them. I don't matter. I don't exist. When you see me, you prop sunglasses over the same face I used to kiss and avert your gaze. Are you afraid of falling back in love with me? Are you afraid of seeing the sadness in my eyes? Are you afraid of my anger?

What are you afraid of? You used to be afraid of commitment. Avoided calling me back until 3 am. You never got me to meet your parents. Held me up the tips of your fingers when I was grasping for you. Avoided my messages. Lied to me. Kissed me, and told me you were afraid of being tied down to one person.

It's terrifying to you, to know that someone loved you more than they loved themselves. That they'll stand at your doorstep when a storm looms over them just because you called them and told them that you were crying all night. Nothing in their life matters. And that's terrifying, right? Love is terrifying.

I think love is terrifying now. I understand, I'm like you! When I look into someone's eyes, I see the same warmth that you have. The tugs of someone's smile reminds me of you. The way their hands touch me remind me of you. All these lips, these kisses mean nothing to me unless it's you and yet if it is you, I'm afraid. You don't deserve that same power over me again. I don't want this. I don't deserve this half love, half lies. I deserve so much better to be drawn to a poison and to be smiling as I sip it.

I want you to stand when it's raining at six am. I want you to wake up at 3am to reply to my calls. I want you to be okay and laugh it off when I tell you to forget me. I want you to ignore the messages on my phone, the xoxo, the "see you later" and images of you kissing people who aren't me. I want you to wait for me. Wait, wait, wait - just wait for me to come my senses and tell you that you were everything I wanted.

Would you still love me?

Then why do you expect me to? Why do you break my heart over and over, and then come running back. I'm your second choice, your back up plan and the only person who has your back. I'm the 12am call when you're drunk and lost. I don't think you'll do the same for me, ever. I don't think you'll ever care for me past 11pm, that you'll ever care for me besides the kisses I give and the way I look.

And the worst part is that I will always love you. Even if your skin turns old, your eyes turn blank and your lips muted, I would love you. The soul of yours captivates me. Is it a trap or is it love? I think it's an addiction I should outgrow. You won't do the same. You'll leave me for the next beautiful thing.

You don't love me. You love safety. And I love you. I love you with everything I have. Loving you is all I have and to you, I'm nothing but a passtime.

I don't regret loving you. I don't wish to forget you.

Rather, I wished you love me like I love you.

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i didn't edit this. i liked it authenticity, i guess. thoughts on chapter? should i do a second draft or leave it as it is? the ending feels so unsatisfying but i love it all the same.

- maya